Hey you. The candidate running for office in some midwest municipality, the kind of locale which gets nailed and hard by snow at least once a year. Not the four to six inches of snow kind of mess — the blizzard kind of mess which locks up your municipality for at least a day.

We know you’re under pressure to be all “Cory Booker, Super Mayor” after Booker’s heroic efforts to dig out his city while using social media. We’ll cut you some slack and acknowledge that Booker might be a one-off kind of guy, able to leap mounds of snow and dispense diapers to shut-in parents in a single bound. You don’t have to do all that, especially being a mere candidate.

But for all that is holy, be authentic at whatever you decide to do. Judges used to sitting in cushy offices might not be able to see through you, but voters can, and that’s what really matters. Here’s some pointers for you, laid out as simply as possible in terms you’ll understand:

1. Get a shovel. — A real snow fucking shovel. Not one of these OMFG-I-Forgot-To-Get-A-Shovel last-minute/last- shovel-left things. Christ, this thing looks like the toy snow shovel I gave my kid when they were four.

2. Dress for success, will you? — Are you fucking kidding me? Dockers with cuffs in the snow? Dude, this is so not Casual Friday at the office. Wear jeans with some long underwear, or some Goretex pants over these damned things. Act like you’re from the Midwest and know how to dress for the snow, eh?

3. Those. Are. Not. The. Right. Boots. — Just, no. No working stiff would wear nubuck workboots in slush and snow, even if they’re waterproof. And what the hell are those anyhow? They don’t look like Carhartt, Redwing, Caterpillar, Dickies, or Timberland boots — wait, unless they’re the Timberland boots at Nordstrom’s, which as we all know is every working Joe’s favorite place to shop for sturdy work boots. Not.

By the way, your mouth is going more than the shovel is in this photo. Less talking, more shoveling. . .

Hey you. The candidate running for office in some midwest municipality, the kind of locale which gets nailed and hard by snow at least once a year. Not the four to six inches of snow kind of mess — the blizzard kind of mess which locks up your municipality for at least a day.

We know you’re under pressure to be all “Cory Booker, Super Mayor” after Booker’s heroic efforts to dig out his city while using social media. We’ll cut you some slack and acknowledge that Booker might be a one-off kind of guy, able to leap mounds of snow and dispense diapers to shut-in parents in a single bound. You don’t have to do all that, especially being a mere candidate.

But for all that is holy, be authentic at whatever you decide to do. Judges used to sitting in cushy offices might not be able to see through you, but voters can, and that’s what really matters. Here’s some pointers for you, laid out as simply as possible in terms you’ll understand:

1. Get a shovel. — A real snow fucking shovel. Not one of these OMFG-I-Forgot-To-Get-A-Shovel last-minute/last- shovel-left things. Christ, this thing looks like the toy snow shovel I gave my kid when they were four.

2. Dress for success, will you? — Are you fucking kidding me? Dockers with cuffs in the snow? Dude, this is so not Casual Friday at the office. Wear jeans with some long underwear, or some Goretex pants over these damned things. Act like you’re from the Midwest and know how to dress for the snow, eh?

3. Those. Are. Not. The. Right. Boots. — Just, no. No working stiff would wear nubuck workboots in slush and snow, even if they’re waterproof. And what the hell are those anyhow? They don’t look like Carhartt, Redwing, Caterpillar, Dickies, or Timberland boots — wait, unless they’re the Timberland boots at Nordstrom’s, which as we all know is every working Joe’s favorite place to shop for sturdy work boots. Not.

By the way, your mouth is going more than the shovel is in this photo. Less talking, more shoveling.

4. Use your head. — While you and what ever campaign staffer following you were probably thinking what a great shot this would be, showing how you put your shoulder to the wheel and all to help the municipality’s finest, it’s also not a flattering shot for them. The cop who got stuck is probably embarrassed and his peeps are going to rag on him for becoming your photo bitch. Think about it before you pose, poser.

4. Use your head, Part 2 — Um, there’s no snow in here, and the folks pictured aren’t going out in the snow and therefore don’t need your help. Get your ass outside and shovel.

4. Use your head, Part 3 — Really, we’re covering the same ground here. This is not getting the snow shoveled. It’s getting in the way of the sanitation folks featured in this photo who actually do make the snow go away. Read the body language here; the guy at the left is chuckling at a joke, which may or may not be you, and the guy closest to you looks like he’s caught a whiff of some serious bullshit. Get the fuck out and go shovel.

5. The Cory Booker Factor — Okay, after analysis and pointers provided so far, it’s clear we need to look at the Booker example after all. You know why Booker got rave reviews? Because he got shit done AND he didn’t use the snow for fucking photo ops. You see any pictures of Booker digging people out? Let me know, because I can’t find any. But we’ve heard from many people who gave testimony to Booker living his personal values large and just plain making it happen.

You might think about that last point very carefully. You do have personal values, right?

[photos: ChicagoForRahm.com]

Rayne

Rayne

Blogger since 2002, political activist since 2003, FDL community member since 2005, geek since birth.

Fan of science and technology, wannabe artist, decent cook, successful troublemaker and purveyor of challenging memetics whose genetics may be only nominally better.

Assistant Editor at Firedoglake and Editor at The Seminal.