While both parties are more than happy to engage in nearly identical corporate welfare schemes to enrich a few well-connected large businesses at great expense to the public, they differ as to which buzzwords and key phrases they employ to defend their actions.

Here’s how corporatist Republicans fight for corporate welfare:

General Public: We should find a way to benefit from this special new scientific development.

Corporatist Republicans: Because of the inherent cost of development/economy of scale/physical constraints/huge upfront cost/etc., the only way to build new infrastructure to support this special new scientific development is with massive tax breaks and a guarantee that the government will give the private developer a defacto monopoly. This development is so critical the government must aid the market.

Progressives: We strongly oppose private monopolies and giving corporations the public’s money. If you are saying this is something the market is incapable of doing on its own but is critical infrastructure, why not treat it like public roads and make it a publicly-run utility?

Corporatist Republicans: BIG GOVERNMENT IS BAD!!! We will never allow the enlargement of government. Development and implementation must be done by the ever-superior private sector.

Progressives: But you said the private sector was incapable of doing this and that we needed to provide the market with huge subsidies and the promise of a monopoly to support development.

Corporatist Republicans: Are you communists? Is this some scheme to help your public sector union buddies get jobs? This most be some kind of union corruption otherwise why would you dare question the wisdom of handing a large corporation $10 billions of the government money. The only way we will allow this improvement to be developed is through the private sector.

Progressives: We are willing to accept a public-private partnership to get this much needed development but we demand tough regulations on these companies so they don’t exploit the effective monopoly the government is giving them.

Corporatist Republicans: This is an acceptable compromise to stop your creeping socialism.

Five years later…

Corporatist Republicans: We demand deregulation of this industry. It will self-regulate thanks to the invisible hand of the market.

Progressives: Wait — this is a monopoly you demanded the government help create and continue to protect.  Without regulation this monopoly will rip off the public. There won’t even be a market mechanism to inhibit bad behavior. How can you say this tiny number of protected private companies should be able to make endless profit from a massive investment by the government?

Corporatist Republicans: Free Market is good! Regulation is bad! SMALL GOVERNMENT FOREVER!!!

Progressives: What free market? What small government? You demanded we use the government’s power and money to create this monopoly. There is no market at work here, because there’s no real competition. This isn’t the invisible hand of the market; this is your hand giving government money to your friends.

Corporatist Republicans: Shhhh…if you are mean to the CEO they will leave us without their superior benevolence guidance. They are Galtian heroes; without their leadership our country would become a dystopian hell.

Progressives: This absurd. No one is going to leave their $15 million dollar job because we are mean to them. Even if CEOs leave any of these companies, their vice-presidents would happily step up to take the job. Since you demanded these companies become a unregulated government-protected monopoly even a drunk monkey could make them turn a profit

Corporatist Republicans: You hate the job creators. You must hate these rugged individuals who build these companies with their own hands. You want to take way their freedom. This means you hate America.