Befitting the quality of the book, no sentence in this summary is longer than three words.

I’m George Bush. Liked to drink. Quite a bit. Got a DUI. Quit cold turkey. Jesus saved me. Thanks, Billy Graham. Yale history major. Joined the Guard. Served America honorably. Worked Republican campaigns. Harvard Business School. Went to Midland. Became an oilman. Ran for Congress. Losing helped me. Adored my dad. Mom’s wonderful, too. Then came Laura. “Let’s get married.” Tried to adopt. But twins arrived. Owned the Rangers. Best job ever. Ran a marathon. Political bug bit. Hated trial lawyers. Rove’s a genius. Kicked Ann’s ass. Worked with Democrats. Cleaned up Texas. Won second term. Ran for president. Favorite philosopher: Jesus. “Reformer With Results.” Blew McCain away. Cheney is brilliant. Election night tension. Bush v. Gore. Justice was done. Made brilliant hires. Dot-com bubble burst. Bye bye surpluses. Must cut taxes. Recession happened anyway. Stem cell compromise. Bipartisan education bill. Faith based programs. We’re under attack. “War President” now. Firefighter and bullhorn. Yankee Stadium pitch. Sacrifice by shopping. Who mailed anthrax? 9/11 changed everything. Signed Patriot Act. FISA is obsolete. Ordered military trials. Went after Osama. Attacked the Taliban. Freed Afghan women. Straightened out Musharraf. We didn’t torture. Waterboarding was necessary. Stopped further attacks. Victory in Afghanistan. Kites, not burquas. New leader Karzai. Axis of evil. Preemption; regime change. New Bush Doctrine. Export freedom everywhere. Fight them there. Not over here. I trusted Putin. Saw his soul. Saddam had WMD. Everyone knew it. Colin had evidence. UN wimped out. Blair was right. So was Anzar. Coalition of willing. Agonized over war. Finalized battle plan. Shock and awe. March to Baghdad. Saddam’s statue fell. USS Abraham Lincoln. Viceroy Paul Bremer. Sunnis and Shias. Anarchy and violence. “Bring ’em on.” Thanksgiving in Iraq. Saddam’s hidey hole. Purple fingered voters. I support Israel. Saddam faces justice. Ran for re-election. Dan Rather lied. Liberal bloggers, too. Kerry flip-flopped. Osama’s October surprise. Flawed exit polls. Won second term. Spent political capital. Social Security’s doomed. So is Medicare. I warned America. Congress wouldn’t listen. Alito and Roberts. And Harriet Miers. Katrina: Blanco’s fault. Nagin’s fault, too. FEMA performed well. Dad and Clinton. Kanye hurt me. African AIDS victims. Millennium Challenge program. Bonded with Bono. Wanted Gitmo closed. Wanted military trials. Damn Supreme Court. No immigration reform. Congress blew it. Tough midterm elections. Ordered Iraq surge. Speaker Nancy Pelosi. The surge worked. Silenced the critics. More purple fingers. Petraeus: a genius. Critics were wrong. Maliki’s big comeback. Bernacke replaces Greenspan. Welcome Hank Paulson. Shoe thrower missed. Middle East talks. Hezbollah’s a menace. North Korea, too. Sharon’s a hero. Putin disappointed me. Commuted Libby’s sentence. Must stop Iran. They’ll have nukes. Honored Dalai Lama. Beijing Summer Olympics. Improved Chinese relations. More Pakistan headaches. Fannie and Freddie. Lehman went under. Stock markets tanked.  A financial panic? I wasn’t Hoover. Saved car companies. America needed TARP. McCain lays egg. Obama elected president. Arranged smooth transition. Moved to Dallas. Collected dog poop. Was I right? History will tell. Regrets: Hell, no. I protected you. That’s what counts. God bless America.

Tammany Tiger

Tammany Tiger

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