Late Night: John McCain — The Quintessence of Douche
The United States Senate is a preposterous institution that has no place in an advanced democracy — or even the turd-festering cesspit we’re currently soaking in.
The pig-stupid disgraces of the Senate are multiple. It is antidemocratic; states where nobody lives except gay cowboys and halfwit moose-slaughtering reality teevee stars are as equally represented as states containing multi-millions of people deemed contemptible because they inhabit “cities,” a term that in contemporary Official American Moron Discourse translates as “Mordor.” Moreover, the Senate operates according to a set of “rules” that a Distinguished Panel of Geniuses comprised of Nostradamus, Caligula, and a cherrystone clam would consider arcane, vicious, and primitive.
Most hideously, the Senate tends to produce Senators, who as a class are insufferable cretins whose self-regard and pomposity and belief that they are not horrible loathsome shitheaded troglodytes stand in precisely inverse proportion to the fact that they are, often enough, James Inhofe.
So one can never really expect very much from an encounter with a United States Senator; all one might reasonably express is the wan hope that they might not prove overly difficult to scrape off one’s shoe.
Nevertheless, John McCain has recently managed to dunk head and shoulders below his colleagues in terms of Senatorial road-apple bobbing.
He’s tried to kill START, a thing he used to support, citing bullshit.
He’s helped to kill DREAM, a thing he used to support, acting dickish.
He’s pissed on 9/11 first responders, making me ill.
He’s abetted destroying the budget, mocking food safety research.
He’s behaved like a perfect tit in regards to repealing DADT, spouting gibberish about how he used to wear an onion on his belt.
The punchline of course isn’t even that all he’s doing is reminding the nation of why he would have been a completely shitty president, but that the wingnuts still hate him and always will no matter how much a frightening clown-douche spectacle he makes of himself.
Angry, pointless, non-constructive, antiquated, incomprehensible, malevolent, inane, crazed, and douchey: John McCain is the US Senate.
May God fuck us all.