(Authors Note: It has occurred to me that I should explain the purpose and tone of this particular post.  The lack of significant diplomatic policies, and a simple case of ignoring the problem, from the Obama and Bush II administrations to North Korea are evident.  The intrinsically horrible human rights, or lack of them in most cases, is something that has seldom been given much attention by any country’s government.  The pursuit of North Korea in the recent times has primarily consisted of lackluster sanctions, and an increasingly uncooperative United States.  Thus, U.S. foreign policy has treated the DPRK as an unruly child and patronized them into an isolated turtleshell.  The tone is a satirical representation of such lack of attention to the country itself but still maintains a serious meaning behind it.  It is not, in any way, intended to downplay the current situation or disregard DPRK extremism as one big joke.)

Dearest Kim Jong-il,

Greetings my friend, it’s been too long… no it really has.  If I were representing the United States, I would have already sent diplomatic teams over to your country several times to quell the crazy rage that flows out of your mind like putrid sludge.  Because, as I’m sure know, isolationism breeds radicalism.  In this respect, your regime is like a pack of fertile rabbits ready to breed with anything that moves.

Your cheap-shot sucker punch to South Korea the other day was not very cool, in fact you were being kind of a jerk.  Touring a soy sauce factory while your minions blasted the innocent, all in a day’s work, eh?  Look, I think I may understand where this rage is coming from, so let’s try to stifle this anger and use it more constructively.  . . .

It’s rough being the short one, and platform shoes only do so much.  Asserting your power while standing at a staggering 5 foot 4 inches or so must be pretty frustrating.  However, there is no need to put up this Napoleonic front because let’s face it… you’re not a fantastic war general.  North Korea is an economic hellhole and is exacerbated by your lack of care for the people who have the unfortunate title as your citizens.  Here’s a word of advice: put down the cognac.

Being that you are getting pretty damn old, and in need of a successor, we in America realize that Kim Jong-un is hardly equipped with the necessary amount of insanity to rival your legendary records.  He’s like the son you always wanted to play football and date hot chicks, but instead played D&D and ate too many Doritos.  It’s okay to harbor some resentment about this, but release this stress in a more positive way like not attacking South Korea.

Let’s face it, Il, you’ll never match-up to your father Kim Il-Sung.  I mean, let’s be honest; he’s the mack daddy of North Korea. He’s the eternal president of North Korea, for God’s sake.  Take this as a win that you were created by the seeds of a near-god and sleep on it .  Everyone has to live in the perpetual shadows of their elderly ones, but you’re not going to be the Miley Cyrus to an Il-Sung Billy Rae Cyrus.

Stop trying to flex your junior high-caliber military muscles on a nation like South Korea.  Yes, they are kicking your ass economically and their citizens have a lot better quality of life.  This is not grounds for killing them.  Jealousy is a terrible thing, Mr. Kim, and you are contracting this disease like it’s a blight.

Since 1994, your presidency has been somewhat of a failure.  Actually, let’s not dance around words, it’s been just plain awful.  Massive famine, poverty stricken, debt ridden, and all while you are infused with the eternal elixir of life known as alcohol.  It’s time to clean up the act, hang up the cleats, and accept defeat.  No, not by America, but by yourself.  Your crash-and-burn Bret Michaels of the East lifestyle has ultimately dealt you a mortal wound.  Give up the act Kim, and go build yourself a Disney World to hang around in, that’d be pretty good for you.

Warmest Regards,

Charles W. Corra Jr.