I'm a fairly frequent flyer who has been subjected to my fair share of TSA indignities.  As much as I'd like to refuse the full-body scans and pat downs, I'm also not in a financial position that I can risk losing my job for being detained by TSA and missing a meeting with a client.  So as a rather brazen and shameless gay man here's my plan for protesting the new outrages.

The next time I fly, I plan not only to demand a full pat down, but also pick out the TSA agent I want to do it.  Well, not so much pick him out, as aggressively choose who will be touching me with lines like, “Hey cutie-pie, can I get a strip search from you?” or “Ohh, daddy bear, you look just right for a pat down!”

Once they yank me out of line and take me into the grope zone, I'll start talking in a really loud voice.  “You missed a spot, go back!”, “Oh, that feels really good.  Do it again.” “Say, I have an old groin injury that's acting up. Since you're down there, would you mind massaging it for a moment?”

It's got to be tough for TSA agents to deal with cranky members of the public day in and day out.  I know if I had to feel up grumpy overweight passengers dozens of times a shift I'd get surly and authoritative too.   So why not reward my hand-picked agent by hiding hard candies in strategic spots (wrapped, of course).  Imagine his surprise when a sweet treat drops from my taint! 

It's nice to be appreciated, so I might even roll up a little note and stick it in my crack.  “Dear Mr. TSA agent, Thank you for such a thorough search. I feel safer already!” Does anyone know if they make “Thank you for touching my privates” cards?  I'll have to check the religious section the next time I visit the Hallmark store.

When it's all over, I'll walk out of the search area with a big grin and say in a loud voice (with just a hint of a llisp), “That was the best full-body search I EVER had!” Then, just before heading to the gate, a quick turn back to the agent, make telephone hand gesture to my ear and whisper, “Call me!”

Either they tone down the searches or one of them gets rough and I slap them with a law suit.  Win-win. 

Smartypants

Smartypants

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