Sarah Palin’s ‘Boners Over America Tour’ Coming to Your Podunk Town

America’s favorite snow-trash dingbat is going to make personal appearances in a bunch of hellholes towns that nobody would willingly visit* unless they were trying to sell a book to a bunch of  yokels whose idea of reading is an evening spent phonetically sounding out the decals on their 1:32 scale NASCAR replicas.

This book that Sarah Palin’s did not write is called  America By Hard-On and it is :

Written in her own refreshingly candid voice, America By Heart will include selections from classic and contemporary readings that have moved her-from the nation’s founding documents to great speeches, sermons, letters, literature and poetry, biography, and even some of her favorite songs and movies. Here, too, are portraits of some of the extraordinary men and women she admires and who embody her deep love of country, her strong rootedness in faith, and her profound love and appreciation of family.

So, basically: Reagan, Reagan, madlibs, knock knock jokes, Reagan, Red Dawn, Reagan, Night Ranger lyrics, Reagan, poems that start out: “There was a young girl from Wasilla”, Reagan, the “German’s bombing Pearl Harbor” speech from Animal House, 75 Crazy-Hot Sex Moves, a recipe for Frito-moose pot pie, and Reagan.

Along with appearances at real book stores like Barnes & Nobel (where employees will spend the evening futilely masking their contempt before going home and committing suicide because they have just seen the future and it actually doesn’t get better) Palin will also appear at your finer Sam’s Clubs and Walmart’s where her fans will also be also be able to pick up ten gallon resealable containers of deep-fried high fructose salty snacks to shovel into the gaping maws of their dull-witted obese still-working-on-that-GED-at-23 couch-bonobo children.

Also. Too. U-S-A.

*New Orleans excluded.

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....