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Late Night: Your Communications Department is So Lame That…

From Reuters:

“I think if there’s any mistake made (it’s) that we haven’t communicated clearly enough what the president has done on this oil spill from the beginning,” – Vice President Joe Biden.

Via CBS:

“What I didn’t effectively, I think, drive home, because we were in such a rush to get this stuff done, is that we were… taking these steps not because of some theory that we wanted to expand government. It was because we had an emergency situation and we wanted to make sure the economy didn’t go off a cliff.”

From Huffington Post:

DNC Committeeman Robert Zimmerman recently dropped a biting tabloid news story into his criticism of Democrats’ recent electoral failures, saying for the second time in the past few weeks that the White House communications effort was so poor that it “couldn’t sell cocaine to Charlie Sheen.

Oh, my sweet bitchez, the long knives are out for the White House.  This time, though, the thrust of the shivs are coming from inside the compound.

Anyone with a pulse can’t help but notice that the White House communications effort has suffered one massive FAIL after another since Obama was inaugurated — aided in no small part by a series of feeble half-measures and the thin gruel of overly compromised positions. Frankly, it’s nearly impossible to fathom how someone so adept at speechifying could fail so miserably at getting his message across to the country. Unless, of course, he is, as one friend so tactfully put it, an oratological idiot savant.

Obama has asserted that when he returns from his trip to Asia, he will reevaluate his allegedly mad talking skills:

“Making an argument that people can understand,” President Obama continued, “I think that we haven’t always been successful at that. And I take personal responsibility for that. And it’s something that I’ve got to examine carefully…as I go forward.”

Call me delusional, but if he wants his electorate to listen, I would recommend he substantiate those words with actions that create jobs for someone other than the bankster class.

But enough with the “whining”. Here at FDL HQ, we were so amused by the surreal and idiosyncratic visual of a White House trying to sell cocaine to the naked, drunk, freaked out, prostitute-dating Charlie Sheen that we wound up engaging in an epic, quasi “your mama’s so fat” contest. I took it upon myself to share the some of the results with you, because I’m just generous that way. Maybe the DNC can use some of these in the near future when the President . Here goes:

The White House communications effort is so poor that it…

…can’t sell rejuvenating kitten blood to Dick Cheney.

…can’t sell baby food to the Duggars.

…can’t give away free loot and media coverage to Sarah Palin.

…can’t sell flag pins to Republicans.

…can’t sell hookers to Tiger Woods.

…can’t sell the word “fuck” to Rahm Emanuel.

…can’t sell bibles to Rick Warren.

…can’t sell a microphone to Gloria Allred.

…can’t sell a pocketbook to the Queen (who’s now on Facebook, by the way. You can’t poke her, but maybe you can entice her into a game of Farmville.)

…can’t sell shoe lifts to Mayor Bloomberg.

…can’t sell war deferments to Dick Cheney.

…can’t sell doctored video footage to Andrew Breitbart.

…can’t sell toilet sex to Larry Craig.

…can’t sell Vicks mentholatum rub  to John Boehner. (Heh, she said “rub”.)

…can’t sell gold to Glenn Beck.

Go ahead, give it a try — add your contribution in comments. It’s fun AND cathartic!

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NYC-based aquatic feline that likes long walks on the beach, illuminating the hypocrisies of "family values" Republicans, and engaging in snarling snarkitude.