Allah made me sexy
It's all become so clear now.
Every time I be my honest sexy badass Sicilian self, I do fine in society. Every time I try to do the Muslim thing, I come to grief.
Why? Well, apart from the fucked-up attitudes to be found in the Muslim community, from which it turns out not even so-called progressive Muslims are immune (at least the immature ones), I locate some of the reason in myself.
It's weird, given how ultra-feminist I am, that I've still internalized the tendency in Islam to keep women under control. When I try to fit into a specifically Islamic context (even a progressive one), I start diminishing myself like a good little girl. I pull in my outrageous sexy energy and wind up stifling whatever lady-mojo I might have had. Which is the essence of my soul. When I acquiesce in that, I might as well not bother trying to be part of things. When I self-diminish like that, the best part of me is lost and I haven't my full self to bring to the table.
Some years ago when I came out, I made up my mind that from now on I would engage with Islam only on my own terms. Nobody else's. If that means being openly sexy and owning my female power, I'm so there. And it does mean that and I am so there. Today's realization is the latest in the continuing evolution of this project.
It actually feels like pushing against a barrier to openly own my badass sexuality and be the hottie I am while identifying openly as Muslim at the same time. It bucks every inhibition that has been conditioned into us all along. So this is a point to pay extra attention to. There is nothing the least bit sinful/shameful/wrong with my sexual hotness. And not only does it not conflict with my spiritual life, my spirituality is sexual and my sexuality is spiritual. Nobody can take that away from me. It's my birthright as a woman.