Today is Day Four in one of the most dangerous crises the United States has ever faced.  For four days, due to the unprecedented actions of an activist judge, the United States Military has been unable to discharge its gay and lesbian service members creating, in the words of a Department of Justice official,

large logistical problems … and … potential harm so great…

that the President has apparently come to believe that the space-time continuum might collapse should the situation continue an emergency sacrifice appeal to the Gods judges of the Ninth Dimensional Circuit Court of Destiny Appeals must be undertaken.

In this time of unparalleled crisis, GLBTTV is bringing you exclusive coverage from Washington, military outposts around the world and foreign capitals.Dateline: Afghanistan.  October 16th, 2010:  A Special Forces unit was observed to decohere today in an incredible display of gay-activated dispersion.  The unit's cohesion shattered so badly that General Petraeus, disembarking to inspect the damage, was overheard chanting

All the king's horses and all the king's men…

Dateline: Tokyo.  October 15th, 2010: The Japanese Imperial Council today debated a proposal to attempt once again to destroy the United States Fleet.  One faction, arguing that this did not end well the last time they attempted such an operation, advocated a wait-and-see approach. The other, arguing that time is of the essence, said that no one knew when Judge Philips might issue a stay of her order.  Better to strike at Pearl Harbor now — while the entire US Navy was below decks having gay sex. The Emperor was reportedly undecided.

Dateline: NORAD.  October 15th, 2010: Admiral James Winnefeld, Commander of NORAD, sent an emergency report to Commander-in-Chief Gates, detailing the total failure of its Early Warning System.  It seems that on or about Tuesday, October 12th, at approximately the same time that Judge Philips issued her order, all NORAD radar suddenly became inoperable “except to the extent that it could still detect gays and lesbians rearing their heads and coming into the airspace of the United States.” In his emergency communique, Admiral Winnefeld said “All we have left is GAYDAR. I can no longer insure the security of the North American continent.”

Dateline: Washington. October 14th, 2010: The Pentagon today reported that it could not longer manage its forces due to a 'logistical nightmare'.  According to CinC Gates, his 1st Armored Division commander has demanded to 'go tankless', while the 82 Airborne Division's leadership called for a “complete ban on all parachute related paraphernalia.” Apparently the Pentagon was unable to countermand these orders.  According to a spokes-non-gay-person, personnel across the entire US Military Command Structure have been reduced to tears and rendered incapable of further military service because they can no longer file paperwork ordering their gay underlings out of the military.  He went on to say

“It is a tragic day when a California judge gets to decide whose career and life we can't ruin, just because she has a gavel.”

Stay tuned for further bulletins.

jpmassar

jpmassar

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