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Late Night: Angry Incoherent Crazy Person Politely Demands Your Money, Vote, You Bastards

We New Yorkers are often unfairly stereotyped as self-centered and arrogant, without any appreciation of the virtues and wonders and glories of the several assorted other states (and weenie “commonwealths”)  existing elsewhere, apparently, or so we’re led to believe, in Our Union.

But this is not true! For example, like non-Californians everywhere, New Yorkers are profoundly grateful to the Golden State for setting a standard of catastrophe governance that even our own hopeless idiot leaders cannot aspire to equal. (In this regard we have similar fond things to say about Florida.)

But one thing we are pretty damn proud of is our home-grown right-wing lunatics: pound for cranky pound, the NY GOP gubernatorial nominee, Snarlin’ Carl Paladino, is nuttier than any other wingnut hopeful in the USA, even the ones whose commercials are about the key issue of whether or not they are having sex (or picnics) on Satanic altars.

See, by “nuttier,” I mean, Paladino likes to talk about testicles, and also, the only reason his racism hasn’t gotten more play is his cleverness in bundling it up with pictures of a woman having sex with a horse as a distraction (don’t click, this is true).

Admittedly, the New York State Republican Party is small, currently operating with a functional base of Staten Island, which is politically as ass-backwards Talibany as, say, Sugar Land, Texas, but has the advantage of being literally instead of merely ideologically constructed on a gigantic pile of garbage, so it’s easier to make fun of it. Also, upstate, you can occasionally spot on winding country roads individuals sporting Confederate flag bumper stickers right next to their NY plates — which just goes to show, some people are frickin’ confused. And these confused treason aficionados… are proud Republicans! By and large, anyway.

So we have kind of a shallow, unfiltered, non-chlorinated pool to draw from. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t have underpants-clad cracker tourist-molesters make even more absurd spectacles of themselves by declaring themselves Serious Tea-Bagging Prezidintial Material.

But to be fair, there is no reason we can’t examine Snarlin’ Carl’s website to find out how he Intends to Govern. This is an exercise exactly as likely to be productive as it would be to inquire into Mike Tyson’s plans for his next fight: “I intend to flail around pointlessly, and then I hope to try to bite off someone’s ear.” A Representative Sample:

Property taxes are not a state function – but state mandates run up property taxes to today’s record levels. I support a broad cap on property taxes including school taxes without exceptions.

I know, this sounds a lot like Andrew Cuomo – if you think you can believe him – but I support capping before cutting just as I support learning to walk before you run.

Here’s the basis of my platform; our state needs to be running, not walking. So I will set a cap and then move resolutely to cut state spending deeply.

In my mind, capping is gutless – cutting takes courage – and courage is what I bring to the table.

I will require a freeze on property taxes for a two-year period while we restructure New York State finances. Then, in response to cuts in Medicaid spending and transformation of our inefficient public schools, actual real property tax reductions can be realized.

You can try to understand this, but I wouldn’t recommend trying too very hard. You’ll sprain something.

Anyway, thank goodness loonball extremists like Snarlin’ Carl aren’t poised to take power nationally because of a failure of Democratic leaders to aggressively act like liberals, because hahahahah that would really be a Funny Joke.

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A community college professor from upstate NY. My wife & I have 347 children, all of them rotten.