By The Time I Got To Beckstock

“It seems that in the advanced stages of stupidity, a lack of ideas is  compensated for by an excess of ideologies.”

– Carlos Ruiz Safon

Glenn Beck, who hosts an afternoon cartoon show for slow adults, is taking his act on the road this weekend to the delight of people who enjoy The Wiggles but don’t think they do enough Nazi stuff. This must be a very important thing that Beck is doing Saturday because the Special Operations Warrior Foundation, which normally provides college scholarships for children of special operations personnel killed in action or in training, has decided to front the $2 million to put on this cavalcade of speechifyin’, so, sorry kids, how’s University of Phoenix sound? Good. Good. That’s our little troopers.

Anyway, Glenn Beck will be dispensing platitudes, banalities, hokum, and commonsense conservative corn by the bushel full to a pasty-white crowd of lawnchair-Americans, founder-humpers, birthers, teabaggers, flat-earthers, Button Gwinnett-impersonators and Kenyans-stole-my-Medicare oldsters who manage to make it to the speech without taking the wrong turn and being eaten by the cannibals of Georgetown.

And what a speech it will be….for the billions of  survivors (give or take):

In a new promo posted on a “Producers’ Blog” at his website, Beck humbly places the rally in the context of the moon landing, the Montgomery bus boycott, Iwo Jima, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, and other landmark historical events. It also not-so-subtly suggests that Beck is following in the tradition of Martin Luther King (which is a farce), Abraham Lincoln, most of the Founding Fathers, Martha Washington, the Wright Brothers, and other notable historical figures.

Also. Too.

Beck, who is both admired and assailed for his faith-based patriotism and his brash criticism of President Obama, plans in part to celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. as an American hero. He will speak on the anniversary of the “I Have a Dream” speech, from the spot where King delivered it.

I’m not sure if Beck can quite scale the heights of King’s “I Have A Dream” speech, but we can only hope that he meets the pathos and heartfelt sentiments of his I Smell Ass and Suicide soliloquy.

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....