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Sunday Late Night: “Conjecture, speculation and fears are not enough.”

“Conjecture, speculation and fears are not enough.”

That’s my favorite quote among many from Judge Vaughn Walker’s opinion last week in Perry.

Conjecture is all the Defendant-Intervenors really ever had. They had their conjecture that children might be better off with parents of two genders than with two parents of one gender. Of course, that’s since been disproved, as children of lesbian parents in America have been found to be more socialized, easier to get along with, and more well-adjusted than children from ‘traditional’ parenting arrangements. They had their conjecture that dudes would start cheating on their wives with other women when they got a close look at how two dudes might establish their own rules about monogamy and openness. I mean, really. Do you know any woman who’d take kindly to her husband returning home from the neighborhood poker game one evening with the announcement, “Those two gay-married dudes who bought the Stephens’ house, George and Ralph? Guess what? They have sex with other people. I think we should too, or at least me. Cool?

Me neither. They had their conjecture that ladies marrying ladies would confuse the children. Any of you who’ve had the chance to explain to a niece or nephew, or even your own child, that mommies sometimes marry mommies too — well, you know how natural this seems to children once you explain that the two mommies love each other. Kids know that’s what marriage is about — love.

If you’re lucky. And kids live in a world filled with luck, and hope.

Oh, yes — there was much speculation, too. The bigots and haters speculate that divorce will skyrocket when gays can marry. I’m not sure why, unless they know from their own ranks exactly how many sad straight-married men and women will seek their true loves when it’s legal to do so. Of course, Massachusetts, where gay-marrying has been the law the longest, has the lowest divorce rate in the nation, and it’s still falling. The Mormons worry that God’s plan isn’t being manifested on earth when gays marry; but what they won’t tell you is that in their cosmology, faithful (male) members get to be a god with your own planet on your death, as a good LDSer, and you get ALL the wives you might ever want. (No multiple husbands, ladies, so “choose” wisely the first time, okay?)

The proponents speculate that our schoolteachers will be forced to teach gay sex in elementary schools. Can you imagine holding the attention of a bunch of fourth graders long enough to explain fellatio? Me neither.

It’s simply idiocy.

And please do not let me commence, Louise, about their fears. Deep-seated and dark, their fears of Teh Ghey are simply fundamental to who they are. Now, I don’t expect everyone to love me or what turns me on. I certainly don’t find what heterosexuals do intriguing (any more) or worthwhile. But I am willing to concede that some people, twisted and wrong though they may be, like to rub their dirty parts and put them places I’d rather not know about. I don’t fear it, it’s not even actually icky to me. Just because I don’t want to do what you do to get off doesn’t mean I hate, fear, or loathe you. Well, except for furries. (I kid, I kid — I love a good skritch, you furvert!)

The frighty-righties even seem to fear that we will demand access to their churches for our gay marriages. As if. Who would want to get married in the bosom of a community where we are so hated, despised and denigrated? It will not happen.

My point is this: the conjecture, speculation, and fears are pretty silly. They are religion-based bigotry at their most elevated, and icky cooties feelings at their worst. They really aren’t the hallmark of self-actualized, high-self-esteem adults. In fact, the conjecture, speculation and fears of the frighty-righties say more about themselves than they do about the horrors they predict, the conjecture they abhor, and the fears they want to use to frighten people. They are more than silly: they are ludicrous, laughable, embarrassing and absurd.

And, on top of that, they “are not enough.”

So — just stop it. Stop predicting stupid things will happen if Americans can get married. Even if you were right, which you manifestly are not, it wouldn’t be enough to Mr Law. Even if all your foolish speculation came true, Mr Law doesn’t care: speculation isn’t what we legislate here in America. And suppose all your fearsome outcomes did suddenly start to happen?

Well, here’s what would happen. Mr Law would catch up right quick with any teacher who tried to indoctrinate little kids in gay sex. And Mr Law will find out right away if folks abandon their families because they can suddenly marry the sexy librarian or their auto mechanic they’ve always oddly had the hots for: those kids you made with your poor unfortunate husband or wife will still need support, and the state will ensure they get it. And nobody’s going to invade your precious church you ordered out of a Tough Shed catalog, on the extra-large page. And no one’s going to seduce your daughter, either. She’s not all that. Or maybe she is: it doesn’t really matter, she’ll do what moves her despite the illegality or legality of marriage equality.

And the frogs falling from the sky, or Satan’s dominion extending to earth? Well, there isn’t anything Mr Law can do about that, apparently. So expecting the state to enforce your faith’s dicta is simply unrealistic. If the world is gonna crack open with thunder and all Satan’s minions pour out because Steve and Adam get married in the rotunda of City Hall in San Francisco, here’s a clue, rightwads: it’s already happened. You better start looking for other End Time evidence, because there are married gay dudes and dudettes all over Planet Earth.

Which still rotates on its axis and revolves around Old Sol. Or does it?

If your religion can’t stop Satan or the Devil or El Diablo or whatever magical evil force you’ve conjured to frighten the rubes — well, neither can Mr Law. Listen up, unenlightened Americans: YOUR FEARS ARE NOT ENOUGH.

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