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Late Night: Chuck Norris Is So Tough, Oh Wait, I Meant “Chuck Norris Is Such a Snickerdoodle”

Chuck Norris is a twit

photo: badjonni (flickr)

Here’s what I don’t like about the Internets.

Once upon a time Chuck Norris was just a gristly has-been quasi-famous for (a) getting hit on the head a lot and (b) not being able to act. Then, presumably as a result of (a), Chuck became a Devout Christian, in the Republican sense; namely, he saw the Light and became miraculously aware that the New Testament is all about how gay sex inevitably leads to raising the capital gains tax. It was like if St Paul stuck his head up his horse’s ass on the road to Damascus.

And then some smug Internets douches bopped along and made it hip and fun to like Chuck Norris because when they were 5 he made some shitty movies where he got hit on the head a lot.

And now whenever you try to tell anyone that Chuck Norris is a total joke who churns out perfectly potty semi-literate goofy-assed paranoid right-wing nonsense for septic pits like WingNutDaily and ClownHall, they just say “and ha ha also he is so strong, uh, he doesn’t need deoderant because he punched it really hard, ha ha snort ha ha giggle.” And then you have to stab them in the eye with a cocktail fork, which ends the party on kind of a down note — but what choice did you have? None.

Here is a thing Chuck emanated recently that I spelunked at TownHall.

Last week, I gave evidence of how the Obama administration is importing its overseas policy of assassination and implementing it stateside against U.S. citizens it deems as radical threats to American security and safety. (If you have not read Part 1, please do so before you read the rest of Part 2.)

Chuck is under the delusion that he’s Charles Dickens, publishing must-read serials. This is not strictly accurate. It is also important to bear in mind while there may very well be sane reasons to dislike Obama’s policies regarding extra-juridical state action (i.e., killing people), that’s not what Chuck Norris has in mind, that whole rule of law business.

No, Chuck Norris is just channeling Pure Distilled Wingnut, and in his world, Barack Obama is a communist Islamicist whitey-disliking New Black Nubian Panther. Which is loopy, but as it happens, precisely why there is some point in paying attention to Chuck Norris. After all, the Washington Insider Media Elites are convinced that this class of insanity is more genuinely American and hence more worthy of being taken seriously than anything, I dunno, Marcy Wheeler has to say. And if you find that depressing, well, me too.

Anyway the burden of Norris’ Part Two is to show that Obama is trying to shoot white Christians who disapprove of the stimulus bill. Note:

Deputy national security adviser John Brennan explained that the problem of homegrown terrorists ranks as a top priority because of the increasing number of U.S. individuals who have become “captivated by extremist ideology or causes.” He went on to say, “There are … dozens of U.S. persons who are in different parts of the world and … are very concerning to us.”

Aaaahrg. This is irritating. Chuck Norris is really being a dick here. He is kickboxing together altogether separate statements on different occasions by the same person, not telling you that, using the dreaded double ellipsis, and generally being a prick. The first truncated quote can be found complete here:

Indeed, we have seen an increasing number of individuals here in the United States become captivated by extremist ideologies or causes.  Somali Americans from Minnesota traveling to fight in Somalia, the five Virginia men who went to Pakistan seeking terrorist training, David Headley, the Chicago man charged with helping to plan the Mumbai attacks, the Pennsylvania woman, Jihad Jane, charged with conspiring to murder a Danish cartoonist.  The president’s national security strategy explicitly recognizes the threat to the United States posed by individuals radicalized here at home.

So when Brennan is talking about “US individuals captivated by extremist ideologies,” he is talking about Americans who get involved in radical Islam. Okey Dokey.

Chuck Norris then gives us a nice bit of bullshit, saying Brennan “goes on to say,” when all of a sudden he’s quoting something entirely different, a Washington Times interview:

There are, in my mind, dozens of U.S. persons who are in different parts of the world, and they are very concerning to us,” said John O. Brennan, deputy White House national security adviser for homeland security and counterterrorism.

In a wide-ranging interview with The Washington Times, Mr. Brennan said he would not talk about lists of targeted American terrorists. However, U.S. intelligence and law enforcement agencies have been tracking down U.S. nationals and U.S. passport holders who pose security threats, like the Yemen-based al Qaeda cleric Anwar al-Awlaki, he said.

All right. Now, it would be perfectly legitimate to stop here and say, hey, rule of law, can’t do that. Sure!

But if you’re a wingnut, it’s not like you’re supposed to give a shit about the rights of terroristically suspect Musselmen. Gracious no. So what do you do, if you’re say, Chuck Norris? Well, you finesse that Brennan was in fact obviously talking about terroristically suspect Musselmen, and you spew the following (I’m ignoring the other bananas-level “arguments” Chuck Norris makes, for the sake of time, like, Lord help us, the Interpol blathering):

There is one more titanic element that I must stress. The one overriding dilemma for Americans in Obama’s hunt for homegrown terrorists is that he has changed the definitions of terrorism and terrorists. Their definitions no longer necessarily include or imply Islamic extremism or extremists.

Don’t ever forget: Obama and his administration repeatedly have played down the actual threat of terrorism by Islamic jihadists….

Therefore, we are left to wonder: To the Obama administration, what exactly qualifies as radical extremism and terrorism, and who is on its “shortlist of U.S. citizens specifically targeted for killing”? Consider even now who might fall into this category of non-Islamic, non-jihadist, stateside, homegrown terrorists. Do I need to make a list?

That’s another thing that really chaps my hide. While Obama ratchets up the power and pursuit of homegrown U.S. terrorists, why in God’s name is he loosening his grip over Muslim extremists who are planning, recruiting and seeking to carry out harm against the very U.S. citizens he has sworn to protect?

Am I missing something?

Oh, bite me. Obama is not dispatching any ninjas after your chapped jerked-cracker ass, more’s the motherfucking pity. Hi-keeba!

The real punchline is that the Obamaites decide they’re going to Score Points by Being Tough on Islamic Radicals, and what they get for it as a Prize is to get accused by superannuated halfwit action morons of trying to shoot dead white people in drive-bys.

Perhaps there is a lesson here as to how a Democratic administration ought to behave generally. But who can say. As a humble Internet blogger, my sole observation is, “fuck.” And I mean that most sincerely.

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A community college professor from upstate NY. My wife & I have 347 children, all of them rotten.