Through The Looking Steele
In perhaps the strongest evidence yet that Republicans really do live in a parallel universe, RNC Chairman Vizzini Michael Steele describes how the Afghanistan invasion played out on his world:
Keep in mind again… this was a war of Obama’s choosing. This is not something the United States had actively prosecuted or wanted to engage in.
It was… one of those areas of the total board of foreign policy… that we would be in the background, sort of shaping the changes that were necessary in Afghanistan as opposed to directly engaging troops. But it was the president who was trying to be cute by half by flipping a script demonizing Iraq, while saying the battle really should be in Afghanistan. Well, if he’s such a student of history, has he not understood that you know that’s the one thing you don’t do, is engage in a land war in Afghanistan? All right, because everyone who has tried, over a thousand years of history, has failed.
That’s right, during the previous administration our involvement in Afghanistan was sensibly limited to peaceful non-military engagement, thanks to George “The Nurturerer” Bush’s keen understanding of The Princess Bride history. As Texas schoolbooks of the near future will undoubtedly tell us, everything was going fine until Mad King Obama came along and recklessly abandoned the pursuit of al Qaeda in Iraq to invade a country that had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11.
It’s not easy to have a shakier grasp of history than Billy Kristol, but somehow Steele managed it. I can, however, offer two points in his defense:
1) He is as correct about the futility of our Afghan adventure as he is deluded about its provenance.
2) It is entirely possible that this Michael Steele truly is a doppelganger from a universe where the Democrats are all bloodthirsty neocons and the Republicans are all rational pacifists, and that he has secretly replaced the Michael Steele who said this:
Although this decision took far too long and it should not have, I am glad the president will finally provide General McChrystal with the troops he needs. However, tonight’s speech must be the beginning, not the end, of the case President Obama makes to the American people as to why this is, as he said during the campaign, “a war we have to win.” If the president remains committed to this crucial fight, Republicans – and the American people – will stand with him. But sending mixed signals by outlining the exit before these troops even get on the ground undermines their ability to succeed.
I know, the doppelganger theory sounds crazy – there’s no such thing as people crossing over from parallel universes, right? But consider the DNC’s response to Steele’s comments and tell me you don’t get an evil twin vibe:
The likes of John McCain and Lindsey Graham will be interested to hear that the Republican Party position is that we should walk away from the fight against Al Qaeda and the Taliban without finishing the job. They’d also be interested to hear that the Chairman of the Republican Party thinks we have no business in Afghanistan notwithstanding the fact that we are there because we were attacked by terrorists on 9-11.
And, the American people will be interested to hear that the leader of the Republican Party… is betting against our troops and rooting for failure in Afghanistan.
So, to sum up:
Michael Steele: The Democrats are the crazy irresponsible warmonger party!
DNC: YES! Yes we are! War is awesome and Republicans hate it because they are weak little babies! Ohgod this is the best day of MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!
This is why some of the money we’re raising this week will be going towards interdimensional stabilizers, because you really don’t want us to switch places with the other Firedoglake.