Alvin Greene said he won the Democratic U.S. Senate primary by crisscrossing South Carolina to stump, but he refused Thursday to name a single place he’d visited.

He said he put $2,000 of his own money in the race, but had only one campaign flier to show, and was reluctant to part with it.

The state’s highest-profile Democrat, U.S. House Majority Whip Jim Clyburn, called for investigations into how Greene paid his $10,400 filing fee, his lack of federal election reporting and how he managed to capture almost 60 percent of Tuesday’s vote without campaigning.

Harharharhar!!!

At last the Democrats have nominated a candidate entirely untainted by their miserable record as corporate suck-ups and roll-over puppies for the neo-con agenda!

Hurrah!

(And I’m not the only one cheering!)

If this 32 year-old man without a cell phone or computer, who has never held any political office, has no job and is "on the not-guilty side" of a felony charge, can become the Democratic nominee for Senate from South Carolina, then literally anyone can. That means me, or you, or that guy on the street corner who talks to cats.

Alvin Greene has broken down the last barrier, a barrier some refer to as "being somewhat qualified to hold office." Now, with $114 in his campaign account, no job, unclear funding sources and "involuntary" discharges from the Army and Air Force, he is ready to take on the system.

This is the greatest political story of my generation! But it won’t have a happy ending without you, my friends!

So break open those piggy-banks and make a contribution to Alvin Greene’s campaign for the United States Senate from South Carolina…

…just as soon as he has a campaign, or a website, or a campaign fund, or…

Whatever!