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Late Night: Chuck Norris Kneels to Conquer


I prefer religious nutjobs to libertarian nutjobs, and one reason is because the former are at least sometimes honest about their desire to coerce. Propertarians are never honest about it; they totally deny it.

Although from an analytical perspective, it is often impossible to prove to a fare-thee-well which category of nut you’re dealing with, because these cretins typically don’t even understand their own stupid ideologies. Perhaps one cannot address Modern Conservatism in terms of “ideology” but only in terms of idiot point-scoring, hippie-pissing-upon, clinical diagnoses and the like.

Also the religious ones are not so much plaster saints as Clay Aiken pigeons. Ha ha ha.

Oh hello, Chuck Norris. Here is a humorous Chuck Norris Fact: Chuck Norris is a dick.

Last week I read a blog post that noted how prayer was banned at a high-school graduation in Indiana but not in Alabama. Then I read another news report about how another California high school changed its graduation “opening prayer” to “a moment of silence.” No big shocker there.

Tragically, these types of devaluing religious news stories are a dime a dozen today. Spiritual regression is not only a trend but an epidemic.

How is the God-o-meter, or whatever, even vaguely calibrated by what happens at high school graduation ceremonies? Granting God, arguendo: Is who the fuck the valedictorian is remotely balls relevant to a starving infant? Or is the question, is that starving infant gay something bloogah feroo?

Hell yes, duh, forget I asked,

The Fuller Youth Institute just reported that less than half (40 percent) of even church-going high-school seniors “significantly struggle with their faith and with finding a church after graduation.” And other statistics show that, by the time they end their college education, 90 percent will have dropped out of church.


The Barna Group reports that only 29 percent of teenagers say they “will definitely” be attending church after graduation. That’s about one in three if you’re an optimist – about one in four if you’re a pessimist. And about one in five if you believe these polled teenagers are either overly optimistic or over-exaggerators. Any way you look at it, the “Leave It to Beaver” family seems so passé and archaic in our times.

It is very regrettable that we as a nation are no longer ashamed at either living up to or not living up to, or whatever, the moral codes of decades-canceled “situation comedies” on television. I mean, fuck Leviticus, we can’t even handle My Three Sons. This makes sense. Besides, it is not just passé but also archaic. Apart from national godless moral decadence, you know, Leave It to Beaver would be extremely au courant and fashionable, so much so that in Williamsburg they would be all over the straight wedlock sex, and also the lawnmowing.

Long ago the Creator was replaced by natural causes in public classrooms.

Oh, just write your own damn joke.

Humans have become the kings of their castles and captains of their souls.

Human, you are a fine girl (or boy), but Jesus’s love, life and lady is the sea. Also the silver spoons, the little boy blue, the man in the moon and the seasons in the sun. Or else just be impressed at how snugly the Jesus finger fits inside the latex libertarian glove. Kootchie-koo, prostate.

Church has been replaced by the NFL and Sunday commerce.

Ban football! And capitalism!

And the government is now God, granting to all who has need.

Because of football and capitalism? NO! Because of, I dunno, food stamps. Or something. ROUNDHOUSE KICK.

Attrition in church attendance and faith in God is definitely on the rise.

The down is unanswerably up. It’s not even questionable.

Skipping ahead, because it’s all like this. Oh here we go:

Right now, one man needing our patriot assistance is Rep. Randy Forbes, whose congressional address on America’s Judeo-Christian heritage has received 3 million views on YouTube. Forbes, along with the members of the bipartisan Congressional Prayer Caucus, has reintroduced H.R.397, “America’s Spiritual Heritage Resolution.” The resolution recognizes our nation’s spiritual heritage milestones, rejects current attempts to erase all religious history from public buildings and educational resources and establishes a week for Americans to remember and reflect on spiritual principles upon which our nation was founded. The resolution has gained bipartisan support with 79 co-sponsors. Have your representatives sponsored or supported the resolution? If not, please contact them today to ask they do so.

Rock on.

The problem that Patriotic Religious Americans face has nothing to do with pro forma shit about graduation speeches. The problem for people like Chuck is that they have been and continue to be staggeringly wrong to a degree approaching psychosis about every genuinely moral issue that’s confronted the nation in the past several decades.

Gay marriage? Bigots.

Climate change? Cretins.

Poverty? Kill the poor. The economy? Fuck thy neighbor. War? Kill for lies.

Rub a dub-dub yay God. (Blows despondent kazoo. Kickboxes.)

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A community college professor from upstate NY. My wife & I have 347 children, all of them rotten.