Ach my dear Operanizzles, it is time again for OperaRant, Number the Third! Behold!
Hear the Overture, if you like, as I preface this tale of Magic and Deceit, as you well know is my craft and trade.
In this Rant we bow to the majesty of the absurd, and the master of Comic Opera: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and "Die Zauberflote," The Magic Flute.
Truly epic, it begins with a Giant Snake we call "Conservatism" chasing after Tamino, whom we call "Obama." How it shall end is a story you must follow to truly grasp.
Magic Flute and it’s hero, Tamino/Obama is an Opera, a story, that was first made for ordinary people! It was made in a native language, not some crazy Latin or Italian that only so many people understood – NO! It was made in very plain language for EVERYONE to understand. And the Villagers just hated it – how VULGAR! Something for EVRYBODY? IMPOSSIBLE! But lo, it was true.
Yet, you know, my nizzles, how this will work out.
Truly epic, it begins with a Giant Snake we call "Conservatism" chasing after Tamino, whom we call "Obama." We won’t bother with all that detail right now, as we know who won for that first round – Tamino/Obama! He was helped by the Swooning Ladies Of The Village, because for some weird reason, they realy REALLY liked him.
But this dude named Papageno/Rahm shows up, sings a whole lot of noise how he got all these birds/votes for Obama, and claims HE was the one who slayed the Conservative Giant Snake! And with his bare hands! This of course, is complete bullshit. So the Swooning Village Ladies show up and padlock his lying mouth for a wee bit. Check it out:
But those damn Swooning Village Ladies show Obama a picture of Pamina – BiPartisanship! He instantly falls in love! Yes, he’s an idiot, but this is OPERA dammit! Stay with me!
You know what happens in Opera when you fall in love, right? You get HELL for it. In this case her name is the Queen Of The Night/Ayn Rand! The Bitch shows up out of nowhere, and tells Pamino/Obama that Pamina/BiPartisanship is her frikking daughter, captured by the evil Sarastros/Liberal Soros! She demands that Obama go to that evil Liberal Temple and rescue BiPartisanship, and then he can marry BiPartisanship! W00t!
And you know what? He DOES!
But he must go to the Temple of Ordeals – CONGRESS! So guess who shows up? Papageno/RAHM! Yeah, the disaster will unfold directly. The
Swooning Village Ladies show up, saying "Say nothing! Keep Silent!"
But of Course Obama and Rahm are all "Heh, we’re all cool." Even though they argue amongst themselves a bunch, and them damn Villagers get all Ayn Rand on Obama’s ass.
Tamino/Obama keeps telling Rahm to Shut The Fuck Up, but he won’t. Excellent – more disaster ingredients! This is Opera, people, RELISH IT!
So Remember Tamina/BiPartisanship? She’s all sleepin, and Monostatos/Status Quo comes and leers over her sleepy self, wanting to love her.
Well Bitch Ayn Rand ain’t having NONE of that! No, she’s back with a VENGEANCE! In fact, that damn song’s name is "Hell’s Vengeance Boils In My Heart!"
O yeah, she orders Ms. BiPartisanship to KNIFE LIBERALS! Yep KNIFE ’em! It’s rough out there, nizzles!
A lot more stupid stuff happens but the stupidest is that those damn Villagers come back (pretending to be children) and keep Tamina/BiPartisanship from killing herself!
More stupid stuff happens, and you know what? Obama and BiPartisanship march cheerily off into hell together.
In the Opera, it’s a fantasy, and they get away with it.
Here in operanizzleland, I don’t think so.