An Open Microphone Reveals Obama’s Candid Thinking
So now we know what U.K. Prime Minister Gordon Brown really thinks about pensioners who vote for Labour and object to Euro immigration policies: they’re old and bigoted.
If Obama left his mike open, here’s what his inner thoughts would be.
On Bill Clinton:
Bubba’s old and bigoted.
On Robert Rubin, former Goldman Sachs chief:
Bob’s cool. He even picked me up in his limo and let me valet park it when he took me to that Hamilton Project speech I gave with him back in 2006. Gave me a $20 dollar tip too, more than I made in 6 months of work in that candy ass community organizer gig.
Of course, I had to clean and buff Bob’s bad-ass Lincoln off after the chicken and peas dinner. But my friend Bob’s the Master of the Universe and I enjoyed wearing his Goldie cap that made me look like his chauffeur.
Heck, Bob’s got such a big heart he even lets me ride Air Force One during my presidency.
On Arnie Duncan:
White boys really can’t jump. And that honkie knows jack shit about public schools which is why I made him my Education Secretary. That and because he can’t block my jump shot.
On Eric Holder:
Not that Eric might think of taking decisive, really legal action against anybody who wields power, but maybe we’d better send him my "Let’s Look Forward Not Backward" memo again.
That way, we’ll know for sure that DOJ continues to tread water on criminal charges against Goldman Sachs.
Better have him start drafting some pardons too. That worked for that fugitive financier, what was his name Michelle? Oh yeah–Marc Rich. Bill Clinton’s a Bubba but he sure knew how to stroke the people with money, didn’t he?
Michelle: There was a whole lot of strokin goin on in Bill’s White House and it wasn’t only financiers.
Obama: Right. Eric’s probably still got his pardon drafts on his computer. Bob might need a pardon or two before the dust settles.
On Bernie Sanders:
He’s always got his shorts in a knot about something. Why does he care so much about average people? Doesn’t he realize that they’re just–so average? They got no money. Doesn’t he realize that if they REALLY wanted to improve their lot in life, all they have to do is go to Columbia or Harvard like I did? Damned socialist!
On Goldman Sachs:
We gotta hire more of those dudes in my administration. Even though frogs aren’t big on hoops, I want Fabulous Fab on my team. He’s almost as arrogant as I am.
On Carl Levin:
Better tell him to lay off on the Goldies. Sure they sold shitty deals but we need their not so shitty campaign contributions.
He trash talks better than anyone this side of Alan Iverson which is why I made him my Chief of Staff. Funny thing about him, though.
Michelle: What’s that baby?
Obama: He’s uncut.
Michelle: And how do you know that, I might ask? What you two boys been up to? You haven’t gone fag on me?
Obama: Don’t worry baby, you’re still the one. You know what I really think about those DADT pansies.
Noticed Rahm’s status in the showers after the last staff b-ball game.
On Jim Bunning:
Old, bigoted, and can’t throw a screwball anymore. He IS the screwball.
On the White House Press Corps:
Old, bigoted and they can’t write. They really need our White House handouts or they’re lost. With their IQ’s that low, we’d better have Gibsie give them memos with more pics and drawings.
The worst of the lot is that old witch Helen. You’d think she’d have learned to hold her tongue given how long she’s covered the White House. Nixon should have had the IRS audit her ass. But I hear he had that fairy queen, J. Edgar look into her life. She goes so far back she interviewed Lincoln, come to think of it.
Then there’s that critical old fart over at PBS but I hear he’s throwing in the towel soon. Lucky for Moyers that he knows better than to waste his time with the losers in the White House press corps.
On Nick Clegg:
If he’s the new Obama what’s that make me? the next Gordon Brown?