WASHINGTON (Roiders) – Appearing on Sunday talk shows, Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) said the Democratic proposal to reform Wall Street would create "suicide panels."

"These people take their bonuses very seriously," said McConnell. "Do we really want to relive the days of distraught brokerage executives jumping from their office windows?"

The White House was quick to address McConnell’s concerns. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the final bill will include a "platinum parachute" fund to cushion any fall in compensation.

The president also intends to hold a "champagne summit" to reassure executives that under no circumstances will they ever have to actually work for a living, said Gibbs.

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