Breaking News: GOP Fires Bin Laden
In a shocking turn of events, the Republican Party has fired Osama bin Laden from his long-term position as Chief Fearmonger & Boogeyman. Mr. bin Laden received a letter earlier this afternoon informing him that his services will no longer be required, citing three principal reasons for his dismissal:
1) The GOP is very sensitive to the American people’s concerns about unemployment, and does not want to outsource essential party functions to overseas contractors in an election year.
2) The GOP and its various Tea Party and conservative movement affiliates have aggressively cultivated their own in-house fearmongering capabilities over the past two years, and are now much more confident in their ability to terrorize American citizens without outside aid. They also believe that their personal, grassroots approach is better able to microtarget Democrats and progressives than Mr. bin Laden’s more impersonal “big bang” style.
Additionally, the Republican base responded so enthusiastically to the GOP’s efforts to elevate Barack Obama to Boogeyman status that Mr. bin Laden simply became superfluous in that role. He will be allowed to retain the honorary title of “Boogeyman Emeritus.”
3) The letter also refers to Mr. bin Laden’s declining productivity. While his September 11 operation enabled the Republican Party to win a string of electoral and policy victories over Democrats, the Constitution, the environment and the Geneva Convention, Mr. bin Laden’s output has been sporadic since then, limited to offshore operations and the occasional threatening audio- or videotape.
The letter acknowledges that President Bush probably would not have won re-election without bin Laden’s help, but speculates that his “slacking off” was at least partly responsible for the GOP’s massive losses in the 2006 and 2008 elections.
It concludes by thanking Mr. bin Laden for his nine years of service advancing Republican interests, and suggests that he might find lucrative employment at a conservative think tank or online publication if he is willing to adopt a more “clean-cut” appearance.
Mr. bin Laden was not available for comment.