While Glenn Beck attacks your religious traditions, he’s also waging war on your cultural traditions and defaming the greatest American president in the history of recorded time. Via Lindsay Beyerstein, Glenn Beck finally got around to listening to the lyrics of “Born In The U.S.A.” and an epiphany ensued:

“You get filled with patriotic pride, and then you find out that Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born In The U.S.A.’ is anti-American. ‘Born down in a dead man’s town/ the first kick I took is when I hit the ground/ you end up like a dog that’s been beat too much/ so you spend half your life just covering up…’ [He reads the entire lyrics in an incredulous tone of voice; manages to mispronounce ‘Khe Sanh’] Hmm. Yeah! [crosstalk] … It’s time for us to wake up out of our dream state. Out of the propaganda… This is the thing that people who come from the Soviet bloc or Cuba, they’re all saying, ‘How do you guys not hear this? How are you not seeing this?’ Well, because we don’t ever expect it.”

Man, I hope no one shows him a John Cougar Mellancamp lyric sheet! Yo Glenn: Scarecrow is not about what you think it’s about.

But who is Glenn Beck to contradict Ronald Wilson Reagan? Reagan, of course, found room in his heart for ‘Born In The U.S.A.’ What, you’re going to suggest that Reagan also misunderstood or disregarded the lyrics of ‘Born In The U.S.A.’? How dare you, sir! I’ll bet that if Ronald Reagan came back to life in zombie form and demanded a blowjob, you would hesitate. The conservative movement has as its foundational principle the unhesitating, unquestioning and unfelching performance of oral sex upon Zombie Ronald Reagan. It’s long past time for Glenn Beck to fill his mouth with something valuable.

Spencer Ackerman

Spencer Ackerman