All Your Base Are Belong to the 700 Club

As we all know, the anti-American theocrat, Pat Robertson, made news this week with his pithy comment on the devastation in Haiti:

"It may be a blessing in disguise. … Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. Haitians were originally under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it’s a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other."
-–Pat Robertson, on the earthquake in Haiti that destroyed the capital and killed tens of thousands of people, Jan. 13, 2010

Robertson founded the Christian Coalition in 1989, after running for U.S. president as a Republican in 1988. He uses the Christian Coalition’s so-called nonpartisan "voter guides" to steer religious voters toward Republican candidates. Robertson promotes the idea that the United States Constitution should be replaced with an Evangelical Christian theocracy.

Which begs the question: How would his theocracy work in the world’s current geopolitical reality? Let’s put our imbecile hats on and read Chairman Pat’s own words about American values.

Take it away, Pat:

"You don’t dare say America or Christianity is a better way of living. When I said during my presidential bid that I would only bring Christians and Jews into the government, I hit a firestorm. ‘What do you mean?’ the media challenged me. ‘You’re not going to bring atheists into the government? How dare you maintain that those who believe the Judeo-Christian values are better qualified to govern America than Hindus and Muslims?’ My simple answer is, ‘Yes, they are.’"
–The New World Order, 1991

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."
–Fundraising letter, 1992

"The strategy against the American radical left should be the same as General Douglas MacArthur employed against the Japanese in the Pacific… bypass their strongholds, then surround them, isolate them bombard them, then blast the individuals out of their power bunkers with hand-to-hand combat. The battle for Iwo Jima was not pleasant, but our troops won it. The battle to regain the soul of America won’t be pleasant either, but we will win it."
–"Pat Robertson’s Perspective," April-May 1992

"Individual Christians are the only ones really—and Jewish people, those who trust God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob–are the only ones that are qualified to have the reign, because they are governed by God and submit to Him."
–Defending his stance that only Christians and Jews are fit to hold public office, The 700 Club, January 11, 1985

"I never said that in my life … I never said only Christians and Jews. I never said that."
— Pat Robertson, Time magazine, after having been confronted regarding his statement on The 700 Club of January 11, 1985

"If Chavez thinks we’re trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It’s a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. And I don’t think any oil shipments will stop. But this man is a terrific danger. This is in our sphere of influence, so we can’t let this happen. We have the Monroe Doctrine, we have other doctrines. Chavez is a dangerous enemy to our south, controlling a huge pool of oil, that could hurt us very badly. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. Have some of our covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."
–Calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, The 700 Club, August 22, 2005

"Wait a minute, I didn’t say ‘assassination.’ I said our special forces should, quote, ‘take him out,’ and ‘take him out’ can be a number of things including kidnapping. There are a number of ways to take out a dictator from power besides killing him. I was misinterpreted by the AP, but that happens all the time."
–The 700 Club, August 24, 2005

"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It’s no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."
–Interview with Molly Ivins, Fort Worth Star-Telegram, September 14, 1993

"I think we ought to close Halloween down. Do you want your children to dress up as witches? The Druids used to dress up like this when they were doing human sacrifice… [Your children] are acting out Satanic rituals and participating in it, and don’t even realize it."
–The 700 Club, October 29, 1982

"We have a court that has essentially stuck its finger in God’s eye and said we’re going to legislate you out of the schools. We’re going to take your commandments from off the courthouse steps in various states. We’re not going to let little children read the commandments of God. We’re not going to let the Bible be read, no prayer in our schools. We have insulted God at the highest levels of our government. And then we say, "Why does this happen?
      "Well, why it’s happening is that God Almighty is lifting his protection from us."

— Pat Robertson on the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, two days later.

"There will never be world peace until God’s house and God’s people are given their rightful place of leadership at the top of the world. How can there be peace when drunkards, drug dealers, communists, atheists, New Age worshipers of Satan, secular humanists, oppressive dictators, greedy money changers, revolutionary assassins, adulterers, and homosexuals are on top?"
–The New World Order, p.227

"Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up like Newt Gingrich wants to do."
-–Pat Robertson on nuking the State Department

The State Department was not amused:

October 9, 2003 — WASHINGTON (CNN) — Television evangelist and Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson’s suggestion that a nuclear device should be used to wipe out the State Department was "despicable," department spokesman Richard Boucher said Thursday. "I lack sufficient capabilities to express my disdain," Boucher said. "I think the very idea is despicable."

"The Constitution of the United States, for instance, is a marvelous document for self-government by the Christian people. But the minute you turn the document into the hands of non-Christian people and atheistic people they can use it to destroy the very foundation of our society. And that’s what’s been happening."
–The 700 Club December 30, 1981

"The wars of extermination have given a lot of people trouble unless they know what was going on. The people in the land of Palestine were very wicked. They were given over to idolatry; they sacrificed their children; they had all kinds of abominable sex practices; they were having sex, apparently, with animals; they were having sex men with men, and women with women; they were committing adultery, fornication; they were worshipping idols, offering their children up; and they were forsaking God.
      "God told the Israelites to kill them all — men, women and children, to destroy them. And that seems to be a terrible thing to do. Is it? Or isn’t it?
      "God said, ‘Kill them all. I have to take away people that would forever be apart from God.’ The abomination was there like a contagion. God saw that there was no cure for it. It wasn’t going to change; their hearts weren’t going to change; and all they would do is cause trouble for the Israelites.
      "So, God, in love, took away a small number that he might not have to take away a larger number."

–The 700 Club, May 6, 1985

"I think "one man, one vote" just unrestricted democracy, would not be wise. There needs to be some kind of protection for the minority which the white people represent now, a minority, and they need and have a right to demand a protection of their rights."
–Pat Robertson on apartheid South Africa

"I know it sounds somewhat Machiavellian and evil, to think that you could send a squad in to take out somebody like Osama bin Laden, or to take out the head of North Korea, but isn’t it better to do something like that, to take out Milosevic, to take out Saddam Hussein, rather than to spend billions of dollars on a war that harms innocent civilians and destroys the infrastructure of a country?
— Pat Robertson, The 700 Club, August 9, 1999

"You know, I saw a movie recently about lesbian couples and adoption, and so forth. And I know about what happened when a young man was taken away from his Christian mother by a court and given to his homosexual father. And the next thing you know, that guy was a flaming homosexual, and if I’m not mistaken, he contracted AIDS. I don’t think that homosexuals, especially single homosexual men, should be adopting children. So if there’s any way you can do it subtly, say, `Look, Jesus loves you, but I think right now we ought to get you straightened out before you start taking on some other responsibility.’"
–The 700 Club, "Bring It On" Segment

"It’s a very sad day. But these Muslims are saying what of course the liberals in our society want. They want to do away with the Judeo-Christian traditions of America. They want to take away Christmas. They want to take away Hanukkah!"
–The 700 Club, December 19, 1995

"I would warn Orlando that you’re right in the way of some serious hurricanes and I don’t think I’d be waving those flags in God’s face if I were you. This is not a message of hate; this is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It’ll bring about terrorist bombs, it’ll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor."
–Pat Robertson on Gay Day at Disney World

And, here’s my own personal favorite — Chairman Pat describing the cosmos:

"I think the sky is blue because it’s a shift from black through purple to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the farther we get into darkness, and there’s a shifting of color of light into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that’s bouncing off this earth, uh, the darker it gets. I think if you look at the color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on out, it’s the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars singing, and that’s one of the effects of the shifting of colors."

Is America whack or what? All your base are belong to us.


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