Late Night: How the Joe Stole Health Care
Every Who down in Whoville liked health care a lot…
But the Joe, who lived in northeast Whoville, did NOT!
The Joe hated health care! Reform smells like treason!
Want to know why? Someone must know the reason.
It could be his “head” always broke to the right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
Was that Joe thought his purse was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, His purse or his shoes,
He kept blocking health reform, hating the Whos,
Appearing on news shows with a sour, jowly frown,
Joe’s admonitions were a thing of renown.
For he knew every Who down in Whoville beneath,
Whether suffering from gout or infected teeth,
Was “just waiting for free care” Joe’d snarl with a sneer,
“And thanks to that Kenyan, it’s practically here!”
Then he whined, with his fat fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop health care from coming!”
For Tomorrow, he knew, if he let cloture pass,
Joe’d get less attention. He’d be out on his ass!
And then! No more noise! No more Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
When senators debated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Whos, young and old, would see doctors and nurses.
Instead of waiting in ERs, or paying for hearses!
They would learn that Joe’s friends from AHIP were beasts.
Which was something that Joe couldn’t stand in the least!
And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small,
Would stand all together, every Who that was living.
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would stop giving!
They’d stop giving up paychecks to health care inflation,
Which meant Aetna would stop giving Joe a donation!
And the more that Joe thought of this whole lack of bling,
The more that Joe thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why, near twenty-one years, this has been my cash cow!”
“I MUST stop this health care from coming! But HOW?”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
OH JOE GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” Then Joe laughed in his throat.
And he called his friend Harry to talk of his vote.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “Ol’ Hank, here’s the trick!
“I will vote for reform, and won’t look like a prick.
“All I need is a favor…” (Joe thought himself witty)
“Make health rules go through my senate committee!
“Because I’m the chairman of Whoville affairs,
“All the money from any who possibly cares,
“Be it AHIP, or Hospitals, Unions, or PhRMA,
“If they want Joe to help, they must increase Joe’s ‘karma.’”
“I get where you’re going,” said Harry with glee,
“If they want your approval, there will be a fee.”
“Then we speak the same language,” Joe cawed like a crow
“We do,” said the boxer from Flashlight, “you know,
“When the lobbies help you, you will likely help me,
“With six-figure check to the DSCC!”
And what happened then? Well… in Whoville they say,
That Joe’s bank account grew ten sizes that day!
And the minute his purse didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed through DC in the bright morning light,
And he offered his vote as if clearing a storm!
And each Who down in Whoville got fake health reform.