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War on Christmas?

Dear Bill O’Reilly,
I know how much you love your seasonal red meat issues: gays in the springtime, dark scary Muslims all summer, Hitler references in the fall. But now it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Time for that red and green meat issue: the war on Christmas.

I also know how much you’re not into facts and looking up stuff. Not when your own ass is filled with so many fact-like substitutes. And when these nuggets are delivered up through your newsy baritone voice, then out between your distinguished gray hair and important-looking news crawl, how could Joe No-Teeth and Tammy Teased-Hair ever suspect that your glittering iced holiday treats are actually made of Playdough.

Here’s a fact. Hundreds of years before there was a fake war on Christmas, there was a real war on the Winter Solstice Celebration, a pagan, secular commemoration of the shortest day of the year. Every December 22nd, people would “deck the halls,” bring lights outside, decorate evergreens, and get together with friends for some cheer and loud singing. It was a “merry” celebration in defiance of the cold and dark of winter, and in anticipation of longer days ahead.

It was the Christians watching from their cave just north of Whoville, who couldn’t stand the noise noise noise noise. But then they had an idea. The Christians had a wonderful, awful idea. They would make up an extremely implausible story of Jesus being born outdoors in the middle of winter in the Sahara Desert. Oh, and don’t forget to throw in a virgin birth, just like Buddhism, Hinduism, or Assyrian, Babylonian and Greek mythology, to name just a few.

Another fact, Christians were not the only ones to successfully re-brand Winter Solstice. Judaism, Islam and most major religions have also co-opted the celebration.

So Bill, let me put this in a way that you can understand. To say that Christmas is under attack by secularists for control of the holiday is like saying that Hitler is under attack by the Polish for control of Poland, or Mohamed Atta is under attack by American Airlines for control of Flight 11, or straight people are under attack by gays who want to force them to fondle children. Never mind that last one, you probably believe that already.

Happy Holidays!

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