My sock-puppet Jacob Freeze was slated to play my "conscience" in Obama 2012: The Sequel, and ever since Axelrod deleted that role, Jakie calls me a "stinking con-man" all over the internet.

Lately he’s raving about Tajiks in the Afghan Army. "The sky is falling! Tajiks control the ANA!"

That means about as much to the average voter as "goo goo gah gah!" And then come the zingers like "70% of all kandaks are commanded by Tajiks!"

Tajiki kandaki po-tay-to po-tah-to! I didn’t get elected by spouting gibberish!

So Axelrod and Favreau stuffed my speech with applause-lines, and it makes me look like Washington crossing the Delaware River…


…"Drownin’," duh guy says, lookin’ at his map….

What the heck was that noise? "Drownin’," duh guy says?" Who said that?

(Obama looks under his desk.)

Is there somebody else in the Oval Office? Jeez! That reminds me of Bush and his skit about Weapons of Mass Destruction!

…I could see by den he was some kind of nut, he had dat crazy expression in his eyes when he looked at you, an’ I didn’t know what he might do….

There’s that noise again! Katie! Get the Secret Service in here!

(Several agents run into the Oval Office, and the ghost of Lyndon Johnson appears.)

"Did yuh eveh see a man drown?" says the ghost.

(Agents hustle Obama offstage, and shoot at the ghost from all sides. Fade to black, while the ghost repeats…)

"Did yuh eveh see a man drown?"


"Did yuh eveh see a man drown?"

Jacob Freeze

Jacob Freeze

I'm a painter and photographer who supplements his meager income by hurling rotten fruit and screaming "Welcome to the Bu!" at the Humvees of hedge-fund managers and their nightmare spawn who get stuck in the ridiculously narrow drive-through at McDonald's in Malibu. They inevitably poop their pants and abandon the vehicle, which I subsequently strip and sell for parts, and that is how I can afford to live in Malibu.