Late Night: Not Even If You Had 100 Monkeys in a Room, Typing…
Are you blue as a mandrill’s buttocks because you missed the chance on Friday to grab that 60″ flat screen TV on sale at Mallwart for the kids’ playroom? Bummed because your neighbors finally encrytped their broadband router and you couldn’t snag all those Cyber Monday bargains offered online today? Do you even know the difference between xbox, PS3, and mp3?
No? Well, have I got the gift for you.
Folks, it’s never too early to “learn yer kids” about how to drape themselves in reactionary jingoism and drown themselves in rank ignorance and failed business models. No, we’re not talking about buying them Going Rogue at the bargain bin price of $4.97, nosiree. Complete with cartoony versions of Democratic Party leadership, Help! Mom! Radicals Are Ruining My Country! by some crazy named Katharine DeBrecht (hmm, sounds . . . foreign) is a paean not just to exclamation points, but to the regurgitation of every conservative wingnut talking point that has slimed its way into the public discourse over the past year through our good friends at FOX News.
What makes this children’s book so very special isn’t the evil little rat that apparently represents the “radical” media but the cameo appearance of everyone’s least favorite con artist, the Quitter of the Great White North, Sarah Palin. In the laughably amateurish, comic sans serif-riddled press release issued by iTouch Publishers (otherwise known as Katharine DeBrecht), we are provided an excerpt of Palin’s role in teaching two young boys how to navigate the treacherous waters of business and fameballdom:
“I am trying to let all Americans know that these radicals are killing the American Dream and I want to stop them from hurting people that produce products and provide jobs,” the Palin character consoles the frustrated boys. The book then describes an all-out media assault on the Palin figure based on false rumors which discourages the boys:
Unfortunately later that night, while the boys were still ruffling through their bills, they saw a special report on TV. The TV anchorwoman beamed “We have breaking news just in from a 37 year old man who lives in his parents’ basement that Governor Sarah’s mother is actually an alien.”
The anchorwoman excitedly went on, “And from this exclusive source, we can confirm that Governor Sarah feeds her children dog food for breakfast, lunch and dinner.”
Where else could a serial grifter from a backwater bedroom community in Alaska bullshit and backstab her way through the political ranks, from town council to governor, without ever following through on any of her responsibilities and STILL wind up as a hero in an illustrated, Fisher Price version of Atlas Shrugged? It’s just the kind of lesson we need to teach our kids, so they can aspire to be the next Octomom or Speidi or even reach the preeminence of the Salahis.
Is this a great country or what?
I can’t wait for DeBrecht’s next instant classic: Help! Mom! The Government Won’t Get Out Of Grandma’s Medicare!