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The American Conservative Guide to Presidential Etiquette: Chapter 3– Presidential Greetings

1. When meeting foreign heads of state or important personages, do not show any form of greeting or respect. Remember, you’re an American, and they ain’t.

2. Since bowing is a form of greeting in many east Asian countries, do not bow. Stand there and stare at them.

3. Never shake hands with any foreign personage. (Swine Flu).

4. Do not smile or engage in conversation upon meeting. Instead, remain rigid and unmoving. Glare balefully at whomever may be in front of you.

5. If movement becomes absolutely necessary, it should consist of forcefully pounding your right fist into your open left palm. Continue staring at your counterpart in an intense, fervently patriotic manner while doing so. Grin.

6. Never Blink.

7. If physical contact with a foreign leader is unavoidable, sneak up behind them while they are seated and can’t see you. With both hands, grasp their neck from behind and initiate constrictive, choking motions. This sends the clear message that you can use force at any time against them, at a time and place of your choosing:

8. Remember, you represent America. Don’t smile, show respect, or in any other way indicate that any of these foreigners are close to being your equal.

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