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Late Night: Para Normal Activity of the Republican Kind

candy corn 001It’s that time of year again! Children and adults dress up as ghosts and goblins, vampires and ghouls (with the occasional slutty police officer or inappropriately dressed 9 year-old thrown in for good measure), and parade up and down our fair streets, knocking on doors and demanding payment from the terrified homeowners, and generally behaving in rude, antisocial and immoral fashion. In other words, living the loca Republican vida:

COLUMBIA, S.C. – A deputy assistant attorney general who said he was on his lunch break when an officer found him with a stripper and sex toys in his sport utility vehicle has been fired.

Roland Corning, 66, a former state legislator, was in a secluded part of a downtown cemetery when an officer spotted him Monday, according to a police report obtained by The Associated Press under the Freedom of Information Act.

As the officer approached, Corning sped off, then pulled over a few blocks away. He and the 18-year-old woman with him, an employee of the Platinum Plus Gentleman’s Club, gave conflicting stories about what they were doing in the cemetery, Officer Michael Wines wrote in his report, though he did not elaborate.

Dude was just celebrating Halloween a little early, right? He was the trick, she was the treat, and what better place to get yer spooky freak on than in an isolated graveyard? Come on, people. Stop being so judgmental. It’s South Carolina, after all. That state seems to be the bloody epicenter of aberrant sexual behavior these days.

Besides, it probably wasn’t his fault. He probably dipped into the Halloween sweets bowl a little early, and caught a case of demonic possession by candy corn:

“During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.”

And you thought your little monsters were bouncing off the walls from too much sugar? Sorry to be the bearer of bad news — it’s those Mephistophelian M&Ms they had after lunch. I’m sure Pat Robertson’s crew can arrange an exorcism for you for a slightly exorbitant fee.

So, my friends, I’d recommend keeping an eye on your kids this Saturday. Too much candy corn and they might grow up to be Republicans. And then they’ll get busted for having illegal sex on the family plot.

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NYC-based aquatic feline that likes long walks on the beach, illuminating the hypocrisies of "family values" Republicans, and engaging in snarling snarkitude.