Late Night: Chuck Norris — A Love Song
At my usual crappy blog, alls I do as far as regular procedure goes, like, is basically wait around for some "conservative" to say something stupid on the Internet, and then I make fun of it. This may sound easy; after all, it’s not like there’s any shortage of online "conservative" stupid. But the sheer plenitude of right-wing pecksniffery, the compendious cornucopia of right-wing crap, itself presents problems.
You know the chestnut about how two kids are taken aside by a group of psychological researchers or something, and they show one kid, the Goofus, a pony, and he says, "fuck this, why are you bothering me with a pony?" And you’re supposed to think this kid is an ungrateful prick? And then the other kid, the one who is supposed to be Gallant, is shown to a room with a giant pile of manure, and he starts playing with it, because he’s the lovable kind of kid who plays with horse poop, and squeals out, "with all this shit, there’s got to be a pony!" And you’re supposed to think this kid is great, he has a fantastic attitude — he is, in brief… The Shit?
This is why I’ve always thought optimists were morons, by the way: they want to get locked in rooms with diarrhetic livestock, either because they’re nuts to start with, or else because they have a pathological need to be approved of by authority figures.
But what was I saying…? Erm.
Oh yeah. Look, there’s a lot of right-wing shit out there, but that doesn’t remotely mean there’s any such animal as a right-wing pony. Bluntly, what this means is if your self-inflicted brief is to make fun of crazy right-wing shit on the internet… you need to sort through a whole fuckload of shit. And most of it, frankly, is pretty boring. Every Townhall column, every Corner post — it really is the same crap over and over. They blog astride the grave: one brief burp of stink, then Jonah Goldberg farts once more.
All of which is to say, I’m totally in love with Chuck Norris, because whenever he says something, it’s way hilarious. What a dope. Here’s his latest, and have at it, kids! It involves some sort of tripe about how if you think the American flag has 50 stars on it, you’re Hitler. Or something.