It would be easy to sit here and mock former McCain spokesfail Carly Fiorina and her cutesy-poo carlyfornia dreamin’!!! website, but she did draw the line at only three (3!!!) exclamation points because she didn’t want to look too eager, preferring to appear coy so that she can be all, "Wellllll…if you really want me to run…Okay!!!!".
But we’re not going to talk about Carly tonight because I figure she’s just egomanical enough to be in it for the long haul and, hey, I’m not leaving the state anytime soon.
No, tonight we want to talk about another Republican Carlyfornia senatorial candidate, the choice of the RedState Generation, Chuck DeVore, who can best be described as a comfortable old loafer in a fuck-me pump state.
There are two candidates who have a chance to win the Republican nomination for Senate in June 2010. One is Chuck DeVore. One of our Fighting Four candidates this primary season, he announced last November his candidacy to defeat Senator Barbara Boxer. Term-limited from his state Assembly seat, he’s committed to victory.
The other is Carly Fiorina. A political novice, never having run for office before, she doesn’t even know if she’s running for this office yet. In big, black letters her own, brand-new website asks “Coming Soon?” It’s no wonder she won’t even fund her own campaign. Why spend that money when she might not even run?
Chuck DeVore is on Facebook. Chuck DeVore is on Twitter, and he’s active on both. Carly Fiorina’s webpage has placeholder, non-functional links to both services. She may, or may not, show up to engage Republicans, and will do so only when it’s convenient for her.
Yeah! The bitch! Only showing up when it’s convenient for her. What kind of serious potential national leader pulls that kind of shit? So the movers and shakers at RedState have added Chuck DeVore to their Fox Force Five or whatever, joining the Mexican guy, the black guy, the other white guy, and probably an Asian guy to be announced because they need somebody who is really good at math. And kung fu.
So hows that Fab Five Freddy fund raising thing going, RedState StrikeForce Wolverines?
Hmmmm. With six days to go we’re looking at a shortfall of …carry the three…. um….. a lot.
Fortunately Chuck has learned (probably the hard way) to not depend on the kindness of strange men and he has his own pledge drive going.
Eh. Not so good.
Obviously Chuck will be forced to call upon some heavy hitters. For example here is Chuck with the World’s Worst Liza Minnelli impersonator and Andrew Breitbart of BigHollywood.com (conservatives complain about the culture), BigGovernment.com (conservatives complain about the government… but only when a black guy is in charge), BigMac.com (conservatives complain about fast food and the Mexicans who serve it), and BigFlamingDouchebag.com (Andrew’s personal website).
Here is Chuck with Mike Huckabee and the Family Research Council’s Tony Perkins. Here is Chuck with John Bolton. Here is Chuck with some smug white guy and a "Go Nuclear with Chuck" science fair project.
And there is nothing Carlyfornians love more than nukes, religious fundamentalists, and a warmonger with anger issues.
Chuck is fucked.