The Rapture Arriveth (parrrrty!)
Crossposted from The Wild Wild Left
It is definitely today. Or tomorrow. No, today is right. They think. Definitely, certainly, for like totally sure, dudes.
It, like, must be true, man. There are graphs!
There are really, really, hugely BIG colorful words! LOTS of Godly rapturey proofy words!
Best proof? Its a trending topic on twitter!
So when you hear the horns tonight, just crank that Marilyn Manson up to window rattling, turn your vibrators on high, and double toke the bong. Wear yourself out and sleep like a baby, because tomorrow we all be reborn!
60-70% of Americans: GONE. All their shit: STILL HERE.
Reborn, I tell you to the land of
milk and honey errr hops and buds! I so deserve this punishment sir, I’ve been naughty, naughty, naughty. Leave me behind. Twice if you need to. I’ve been a bad, bad girl. God, you’re the boss, and I just. don’t. listen. You can’t take me.
I deserve the utter hell:
No Faux News reporters, no televangelists, no Republicans, half the Democrats with them, no homophobes, no, well, no nothing that sucks, man. (Other than what you want sucked or to suck! And no one to tell you that’s wrong!)
IT WILL BE THE GARDEN OF EDEN ONCE AGAIN! Oooooops, sshhhhhh. It will be hell, I mean.
Nuthin’ but us dirty hippy, commie pinko, tree-loving, dope smoking, sexually deviant, godless motherfucking drunks left. Total freedom from repression, no matter how you are born, gender, color, uncreed, orientation, alliance, all are equal, left, left lefty-leftists! behindy hinder beeeeehinders!
I wonder if he’s gonna rapture all those really holy-rolling jews and muslims too?
Their left behinders deserve our fate too. Our Godless desolate fate! Wooohooooooo!
A sustainable, sharing society. No wars. Good dope. Quality television. Free Health. Education being valued above all. The SCHOLARS can return! Clean air. Pristine water. No Glenn Beck.
And the MUSIC?
We will never again have to hear Jesus country twang!
We will rock, man. Music, the performing arts, literature, visual arts, all back as the highest societal values! No more “Survivor!”
Even sports can be about fun again, instead of profit, cuz God will no longer love one team better than the other. Fuck! Notre Dame won’t exist!
We won’t even have many criminals, cuz ya’know, god tells most of them to do it anyway, and since they are obedient little subs to the Jeeebus, he has to take them.
We can lock up all the religious texts for scholars to study, and be sure the cancer of religion never regrows! Because you know even their littlest nit will be raptured up with them. God doesn’t believe in breaking up that one man, one woman, 2.5 children perfect unit you know! The whole tumor will be forever goned!
Speaking of cancer, there will be a cure! Because you know, all those God loving money making, church donating companies’ owners will be Up There. Their scientists, however will be with us. Doomed. Heh. Dooomedariiiino! Dooomstalicious!
No hunger! No disease! No killing! No professional wrestling! No Oprah! No pollution! No NASCAR!
My nipples are hard just thinking about it.
I am so throwing a party at my new lake house. Or all of them. You all can just pick one, there’ll be gobs of them. God-leftover gobs of them, so to speak.
If some creepy little kid asks you to just say “You love God” to step over the river styx, do not answer “Yes!”
Just say, “Well, he was really good, and I still respected him in the morning, and I appreciate him for getting all these whacks out of my house today and everything, but I thought we were cool as just friends, and I’m soooo not into commitment right now, but maybe I’ll call him some time.” Then toss the number man. I think what he has is catchy.
See all of YOU tomorrow!
Crosses strictly prohibited. Clothing optional. Ganga encouraged. Toys welcomed. Fun mandatory!