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Brave Conservatives Battle to Rescue Your Children from Obama’s Sinister Cult of Learning

Don’t look directly at him!

Graphic by Twolf

So Obama wants to address America’s schoolkids next week, and the batshit has hit the fan.  Media Matters has a fantastic roundup of conservative crazies screaming that he wants to indoctrinate America’s children into his Communist Hitler Youth so all concerned parents should keep their children home so they don’t get Teh Brainwashed by his seductive liberal wiles.  Or something.

As best as anyone can tell, Obama’s subversive join-me-and-we-can-rule-the-universe-together message is something along the lines of "Stay in school, study hard, drink your milk, don’t do drugs" – it’s like an afterschool special without the goofy plot and stilted line readings.  But the wingnuts are flipping right the hell out like Obama’s the Pied Piper of Berlingrad come to drown their children in the river Wiser*.

Setting aside the surely ludicrous notion that conservatives are infuriated that an excessively-pigmented Democratic president is the one delivering this alarming message to the impressionable youth of America, I can think of only two rational explanations for the uproar:

1) 3,000 Americans died when the tough-on-terror-est president evar read "My Pet Goat" to just one room of schoolkids.  Who knows what kind of terrible tragedy might befall us if a terrorist-loving Islamocommunofascist is allowed to address millions of them?  One can only conclude that Obama has grown tired of waiting for his death panels and wants to start killing off honest, hardworking Americans right now.

2) Education and learning are un-American.  After all, if our children apply themselves to their studies, they might become too clever and knowledgeable to fall for lies and talking points, making them totally unsuitable as voters.  Worse yet, they might even become so capable that they start taking job opportunities away from the people who should rightly inherit them!

Either way, Obama’s insidious address is clearly a menace that must be stopped at all costs.  Or at least get rebutted by Bobby Jindal.

*Spelling intentional.  No Pied Piper pedantry, please.

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