Thumbing through a paperback called Comedy Writing Secrets by Mel Helitzer and Mark Shatz, some choice political zingers leapt off the pages, proving (and including) Erma Bombeck’s adage: “a thin line separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt,” as well as Virginia Tooper’s wisdom: “When the mouth is open in laughter, you may be able to shove in some food for thought.” Dine and enjoy.
Scientists believe that monkeys can be taught to think, lie and even play politics within their community. If we can just teach them to cheat on their wives, we can save millions on congressional salaries.
I looked up the word politics in the dictionary and it’s actually a combination of two words, poli which means “many” and ticks which means “bloodsuckers.”
Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor went with the other justices to a restaurant for lunch. The waiter asked for her order first. “I’ll have a steak sandwich and coffee” “What about the other vegetables?” asked the waiter. O’Connor said, “ They’ll have the same.”
If you’re Black, you gotta look at America a little bit different. You gotta look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college but molested you.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.
There are only two kinds of money in this world, your money and my money.
A political candidate must learn not only to stand on a platform, but sit on the fence, and lie on the spot.
First Man: Fame is when I’m invited to the White House for a personal meeting.
Second Man: Fame is when I’m at the White House for a personal meeting and the phone rings and the President doesn’t answer it.
Third Man: Real fame is when the phone rings, the President answers it, and says, “It’s for you.”
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my home, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
We spend so much money on the military, yet we’re slashing education budgets throughout the country. No wonder we’ve got smart bombs and stupid, fucking children.
Alfred E. Neuman:
Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
A young man walked into a bank and said to the teller, “I want to open a fuckin’ checkin’ account.” The young lady gasped. “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate that language in this bank!” “Get your fuckin’ supervisor,” the man said. In a few moments the supervisor came up. “What’s the problem?” “I just won ten million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checkin’ account!” The manager said, “I see, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”