Bill Clinton Personally Reduces North Korea to Smoldering, Rubble-Strewn Wasteland

In an unforeseen turn of events, Bill Clinton strapped himself with nuclear weapons and detonated during a meeting with Kim Jong-il in Pyongyang. The former president’s inability to free imprisoned American journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling ended in carnage, the only diplomatic language the North Koreans understand. Clinton, recognizing that diplomacy was useless, bit his lip sorrowfully and expressed regret that so many had to die in the name of American prestige, according to a suicide note obtained by this blog.

North Korea is expected to recover quickly from the nuclear decimation, as it will under stable South Korean tutelage from any military action. Thousands of dead Koreans were said to express private happiness over the ends of their lives, as in death, they will finally know freedom from the merciless yoke of the unpredictable communist regime.

Back in the United States, conservatives expressed relief that Clinton chose an honorable end to his life. "Diplomacy with the North would be the worst of all possible options," said Rep. Guy "Whitey" Corngood (R-Ark.), a longtime Clinton critic. "Bringing those two Americans back without incident would have represented an unacceptable humiliation for this country." Attempts to reach John Bolton, a former undersecretary of state and U.N. ambassador in the Bush administration, were unsuccessful, but associates said Bolton credited Clinton for posthumously vindicating his worldview and that the former diplomat was considering a courtesy call to Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton to express condolences. 

Update: Upon learning that Center for American Progress founder and CEO John Podesta accompanied Clinton on his North Korean mission, GOP Senators demanded an inquiry to determine whether any money from financier George Soros helped finance an act of attempted diplomacy.

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Spencer Ackerman

Spencer Ackerman