Obama’s Secret Ninja Army Gun Rapes Teabaggers
Who Only Wanted To Place Daisies In Their Gun Barrels

Gary Numan’s Segway Army

Someone named Destiny Baker was protesting against President Shaka Zulu in Virginia and was shocked (shocked!) to see that there were a bunch of white men with guns who, oddly enough , weren’t trying to kill the foreign socialist invader. Shaken to the core, Destiny writes a Dear Gateway Pundit email to Jim Hoft because he is the supergenius braniac zen master of the guns, bible, and moves-lips-when-being-read-to set.

Destiny writes:

 Hey Gateway Pundit.

I attended the town hall event in Bristol,VA today. Though very few were allowed inside, there was an amazing turnout outside of people protest healthcare reform, among other things. I hope to send you pictures soon of some great signs I saw.


I do have a question I was hoping you could answer. During the motorcade when the president was arriving, there were several vehicles following the limo that contained the secret service. All of the vehicles had all the windows rolled down, and back hatch open on the SUVs with the men holding their, I assume assault rifes(sic), machine guns, drawn on everyone lining the streets. Needless to say it took my breath away at the sight of them, and made my friends and I dizzy with fear. I have seen the secret service before, but never like this.


Having said all that, my question is, is this normal protocol during such an event? It very well could be, but after I had to get over the shock of it, I began to feel offended. We were all there peaceful, and have no problems with Obama the man, we have problems with his policies and wanted him to know the opposition was there to be heard, and know that a strong opposition did indeed exist, and that so many people don’t approve of his policies, with this bill in particular.

So, is this normal, and I’m making a mountain out of mole hill, or did they make an exception in this mainly conservative area?

When you’re a mental midget, every mole hill looks like a mountain so, after minutes of research, deep thought, and firing up another Hot Pocket in the microwave, Hoft replies:

NO Destiny. It’s not normal for the secret service to pull their assault guns on conservative protesters as they drive through town.

This is what we normally like to call a Q.E.D. Case closed. In your face. Suck it moment except Hoft’s readers are not having it:

Actually, that’s the Secret Service Counter Assault Team. They always ride around with the rear window open and their weapons at the ready. Here’s one photo:


Here’s another:

Tom W. | 07.31.09 – 12:28 am | #


The duty of the Secret Service Counter Assault Team (CAT) is to fight off an assault on the presidential motorcade, delaying the attack while the president’s personal protection team whisks him off to safety.

In other words, these men and women are hired specifically to give their lives so that others can save the president. They’re amazing people.
Tom W. | 07.31.09 – 12:44 am | #


Everyone calm down a little. I work with some of these folks and this is no different than any other event Ihave been at. People are trying to see something that isnt there. We have enough issues to be concerned about without inventing things like this to get spun up about.
Chuk | 07.31.09 – 1:14 am | #

Oh Chuk, Chuk, Chuk. You must be new to the Conservative cause. Why don’t you start with something simple like how liberals want to force you to get gay married and then  someday you can move on up to lamenting how the worlds scientists are trying to distract us with smoke and mirrors as they pray for the sweet sweet release of Michael Bay asteroid armageddon death.

Remember: from little wingnuts mighty dumbasses grow.

Just ask Jim Hoft.

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Yeah. Like I would tell you....