On the fortieth anniversary of man setting footprints on the moon that will last for thousands of years, unless they are obliterated by a Mentos ad, comes the news that Jupiter’s sanctity was violated by a member of the C-Street Fellowship comet or meteor leaving a scar about the size of Lou Dobb’s ego the earth.

This is a tragedy of epic proportions for the Obama Administration as Jupiter is where Hawaii stores its vital records — at least according to Glenn Beck. On the other hand FoxNews personality Bill O’Reilly is quick to point out that Jupiter had it coming with its pastel coloring and putting itself right next to the Asteroid Belt.

I would like to thank Jupiter for being so damned big that it has taken a few for the solar system, specifically us. The last event like this being almost exactly 15 years ago with the Shoemaker-Levy comet. The scary thing is, we knew about that event more than a year in advance, this one only afterward.



In 1949, I decided to wrestle professionally, starting my career in Texas. In my debut, I defeated Abe Kashey, with former World Heavyweight boxing Champion Jack Dempsey as the referee. In 1950, I captured the NWA Junior Heavyweight title. In 1953, I won the Chicago version of the NWA United States Championship. I became one of the most well-known stars in wrestling during the golden age of television, thanks to my exposure on the Dumont Network, where I wowed audiences with my technical prowess. I was rumored to be one of the highest paid wrestlers during the 1950s, reportedly earning a hundred thousand dollars a year. My specialty was "the Sleeper Hold" and the founding of modern, secular, Turkey.

Oops, sorry, that's the biography of Verne Gagne with a touch of Mustafa Kemal.

I'm just an average moron who in reality is a practicing civil rights and employment attorney in fly-over country .