It’s lucky Obama chose politics for a career, because he isn’t much more useless than the rest of them, but just imagine how much damage that bozo could have inflicted on his fellow citizens as a fire-fighter!

And now we fly away mutatis mutandis to the alternative reality where Fire-Chief Obama is fighting a fire with the same bashful lack of energy, initiative, and resolve which he has applied to our crashing economy with his slo-mo tax-cut "stimulus."

(Cut to flaming building, with Fire-Chief Obama and an agitated progressive fire-blogger in the foreground)

"Chief, don’t you think we should turn on the hoses?"

"I hope we will. But we already have. Up is down. Already two full quarts of pure, cool, refreshing water has been designated for a beautiful future of putting out fires, or "extinguishing combustion," as we used to say at Harvard! Hurrah for me!"

"Chief, the roof just came down, and flames are blazing out of every door and window!"

"Potassium bicarbonate & urea complex (aka Monnex) is ordinarily used on Class B and C fires, and it’s more effective than all other powders due to its ability to decrepitate (where the powder breaks up into smaller particles) in the flame zone creating a larger surface area for free radical inhibition. Inhibit those radicals! Decrepitate! Hurrah for me! Is that fire pyrophoric? There are no "free radicals!" Up is down! What about AFFF? What about AR-AFFF? Aff aff arf arf ar-aff aff aff! I think I hear Bo barking! Bo is my cute little dog that I bought for my lovable family! Arf arf right back at you, Bo! So what were we talking about before Bo started barking?"

"There was this fire…"

"Did I put it out?"

"No, Chief, you just blathered and watched it burn, but at least you didn’t throw gasoline on the flames, like those naughty Republican fire-fighters!"

"Hurrah for me!"

Jacob Freeze

Jacob Freeze

I'm a painter and photographer who supplements his meager income by hurling rotten fruit and screaming "Welcome to the Bu!" at the Humvees of hedge-fund managers and their nightmare spawn who get stuck in the ridiculously narrow drive-through at McDonald's in Malibu. They inevitably poop their pants and abandon the vehicle, which I subsequently strip and sell for parts, and that is how I can afford to live in Malibu.