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Late Night: The Wacky World of Wingnut Funny

Wingnut comedy: always baffling, always icky, always… kind of… oily. Reading a wingnut attempting snark produces an odd and unsettling sensation, like Gary Bauer just brushed your nipple. And then grinned a crooked grin and licked his lower lip, slowly, thickly, wetly. And then gave you a Bible! Here, for instance, is America’s Creepiest Uncle, Burt Prelutsky, making fun of Nancy Pelosi for being old. No, really. Here’s Burt. And here is his comedy routine.

I have almost begun to feel sorry for Nancy Pelosi. After all, when you get past the facelifts and the Botox injections, the designer suits and the large private jet, you have an aging grandmother who, in a perfect world, would be home playing with the grandkids and letting the wrinkles show.

Like Burt doesn’t wear grampa underpants his own shriveled self. Anyway, never mind the obvious misogyny (how dare she be as old as most congressional leaders and want to wear nice clothes, that harridan), note the crap about the "private jet," which is long-debunked hooey. How amusing: this is Scientologists telling each other Xenu jokes.

Or else we have Moe Lane, giggling in a Peter Lorre fashion about some spat between Gawker and Keith Olbermann I haven’t much paid attention to and have no interest in; it apparently involves the wingnut talk radio imbecile who recently decided that waterboarding was torture after all after having it kinda-sorta done to him or whatever. For our purposes what fascinates is Lane’s typically louche or ("louchebag") take on this, uh, whatever it is.

The mistake that you made was assuming that the Online Left has a sense of humor about itself. It doesn’t: it barely has a general sense of humor above the ’snigger at the thought of our domestic enemies being brutalized’ level. And one of the things that it emphatically does not have a sense of humor about is the lack of real or perceived respect towards their favorite purveyors of their particular pornographic fetish. Olbermann gives them what they want, in big heaping helpings, and is thus the epitome of judgment and courage. So from now on – until you retract the entire story, beg forgiveness, and do enough atonement to satisfy his fans – you get to be one of us. Whether you like it, or not. On the bright side, you no longer have to pretend that you actually care about recycling, that secondhand smoke is a greater killer than Hitler, that Sarah Palin is dumber than Joe Biden, or that if you had a gun and six frothing maniacs bearing down at you that you wouldn’t toss it to Dick Cheney and hit the dirt.

Um. This is as clear as snot, but what he is basically saying is that Gawker is about to Face the Wrath of the Online Left for getting into a pissing match with Olbermann. Which, uh… what? Did I miss a memo? (Checking Soros emails.) Wait, no, sorry, that is not in fact on the agenda. Olbermann may not, in fact, be Our Jesus.

And then also Moe says he doesn’t want to recycle and is in favor of secondhand smoke, which is very brave of him: it’s not everyone who’d proudly make a public idiot of himself like that. (He also apparently believes that Dick Cheney can be trusted with guns, something we shall pass over silently as it is just too, uh, precious and special.)

So, in conclusion, conservatives aren’t funny because they’re horrible weird dumbass fucks. Uh, Questions, comments?

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A community college professor from upstate NY. My wife & I have 347 children, all of them rotten.