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Debunking “But The Plumbing Doesn’t Fit!” Argument Against Same Gender Marriage

(BTW, I am sure this has been done time and again far better and more eloquently than my attempt here…)

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My 13+ hours at the Augusta Civic Center’s public hearing regarding LD 1020, the equal marriage bill, was long but extremely educational- especially on the opponents’ views and thinking.

Time and again, equal marriage opponents at the public hearing in Augusta last week stood up and used as the basis of their argument a phrase I had never heard before:

“But they can’t have children… the plumbing doesn’t fit!

The first time it was said, it shocked and offended me- innapropriate biological sexual innuendos, in front of many children, given as TESTIMONY?– and I expected the Judicial Committee to admonish the speaker.

Yet they did not.

Time and again, this phrase was used, usually in connection with one’s interpretation of the Bible. And as time went on, I got used to the regularity of the phrase being thrown out there.

Well, today while watching CNN with my kids, I saw for the millionth time a “Smiling Bob” commercial for Enzyte. You’ve seen these and if you’re like me, you grab the remote to either mute or change the channel:

And who can forget “this Chubby Santa”…


It was bad enough when they were on late at night- now the damned ads are, despite the fact that arrests have occurred with this company’s products, placed on just about every channel with no discrimination as to whether or not kids might be watching.

But it also got me to thinking (a dangerous and rare event): with Viagra, Cialis, Enzyte and countless others out there to help a man’s “plumbing” when it’s not working properly or doesn’t “fit”, why hadn’t I heard about a bunch of protests against these products?

Okay, I kinda know the answer… but work with me on this one because I’m gonna connect some dots below the fold.Okay, let’s review. We’ve got:

1. Religious folks who use as an argument against same-gender marriage that “the plumbing doesn’t fit” and that the FIRST purpose of marriage is procreation.

2. These same people who say that “marriage is for procreation” are stating so in a country where almost 40 % of children are born to unmarried mothers.

3. We’ve got meds that help with “ED”- erectile dysfunction– even though the target market are men that are presumably past their ideal fathering age.

4. Infertility can occur in both men and women, which would apparently piss off God to no freaking END and cause mass smoting, smiting, smooting… oh WHATEVER!

Wouldn’t God have CAUSED the damned infertility, erectile dysfunction, etc in the FIRST PLACE? Sorry, I digress…

Anyways, you get the picture. So what are we gonna do to save the human race, if not enough babiez are being born?

“Please, Won’t Someone Think Of Teh Childrun? (TM)

All this hand-wringing and fuss for naught, opponents- ever hear of this new fangled thing called artificial insemination?

Unofficial history claims that crude attempts to artificially inseminate Juana, the wife of King Henry IV of Castile in the 1400s, was an early endeavor to artificially impregnate an infertile couple.

Milestones in the History of Human Artificial Insemination

1790 – John Hunter first reports artificial insemination in medical literature.

1899 – Efforts begin in Russia to develop practical methods for human artificial insemination.

1909 – Human artificial insemination grows more controversial. The Catholic Church objects to all forms of artificial insemination.

1939 – The first animal, a rabbit, is conceived by artificial insemination.

Mid 1940s – Artificial insemination becomes an established industry. In Nazi Germany, doctors performed artificial insemination experiments on Jews, gypsies and concentration camp internees.

1949 – Scientists develop improved methods of freezing and thawing sperm.

1950 – Cornell University scientists discover that antibiotics can be added to the sperm solution in artificial insemination processes.

1953 – the first successful pregnancy from artificial insemination of frozen sperm is reported.

1970s – The sperm bank industry is developed and aritificial insemination becomes commercialized.

What? The idea has been around for hundreds of years? Well, it must be outlawed in the United States… right?



Artificial insemination has been in practice for about 200 years. Since 1990 its popularity is on the increase. A carefully collected data says that thirty thousand babies are being born annually using this artificial insemination.

Artificial insemination is the simplest solution for the infertile couples to have the baby.

The infertile couples who decide to have artificial insemination normally are not supported by the most of the people. In fact there are certain religious groups which have the belief that if the artificial insemination is carried out with the help of donor sperm, this is equivalent to adultery. This is the reason that sometimes most of the couples do not disclose this fact that they are having artificial insemination to their close friends and relatives.

There are some legal questions also attached to this artificial insemination that are not yet answered. Few courts in England, United States and Canada have apprehended that artificial insemination is illegal. Still there are some courts which are of the view that if the husband agrees to the artificial insemination, he has the full obligatory duties to support the child. Few states are trying to approve full code of ethics to clear the legal position of these artificially inseminated children. But still it requires further legislation.

At most, the argument becomes one of legal responsibility AFTER birth in regards to financial support by the sperm donor and not at all as to whether or not the child’s essential creation was legal.

Okay, so what about the Church? What say they about infertility, which strikes 1 in 6 heterosexual couples?

Well, the Vatican doesn’t like AI or IVF one darned bit. Surprise, surprise.

Finally, the Catholic Church opposes artificial insemination and in vitro fertilization because it believes that the potential for life exists in every sexual act. Thus, if a man ejaculates outside of the act of sexual intercourse with his wife, the potential for life is wasted and, in a sense, that potential life is robbed of its chance to exist.

I like this explanation FAR better:

I don’t think there’s a heckuva lot that real life Roman Catholics in power like, unless it includes living high on the hog…

Sorry, I keep getting side-tracked!

Okay. So we’ve got the who and the how… so what’s the “who-how” about? Any LAWS banning sperm collection, donation, insemination to unmarried women?

Well, no. In fact, this case shows that a lesbian woman has the same rights as any other woman to undergo AI.

California’s highest court has ruled that doctors in the US state cannot discriminate against gay patients on the basis of religious belief.

The decision was made after two Christian doctors refused to artificially inseminate a lesbian undergoing fertility treatment.

The doctors said that would have gone against their beliefs and instead told the patient how to inseminate herself.

Guadalupe Benitez, 36, changed doctors and has since had three children.

She sued the North Coast Women’s Care Medical Group in 2001, arguing that doctors were subject to law banning businesses from discriminating on the basis of sexual orientation.

But there must be SOME “legitimate” (HA!) argument against this…

Any babies conceived through either AI or IVF that are now old enough to protest or complain?

Speak up…


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