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BREAKING: Conservatives Unequal to Task of Defying Starfish Hitler

As a scientist, I have long been fascinated by the sub-genre of wingnut discourse devoted to the proposition that Conservatives Are Fashionable, wherein is advanced the thesis that something that is widely considered "cool" is in reality deep-down for-true conservative (South Park, rock music, movies, sex, disease-causing micro-organaisms).

A variant phylum involves claims that "conservative principles" are IN ACTUAL FACT revolutionary and cutting-edge — why, IN ACTUAL FACT it is the debased "liberal" culture that is, in a devastating switcheroo, irredeemably dorky. HI-KEEBA!

Take, for instance, this column by Mary Grabar, who in real life is some sort of semiliterate elf-loon. Here she endorses unleashing the Mighty Power of Conservative Comedy.

We are the rebels. And we need to tap into the rebellious nature of our students.

We need to tell them about something they value: freedom. And we need to do it in a genre they relate to — satire…

We’ve got the talent and the intellectual powerhouses. I know plenty of conservative Ph.D.s frozen out of tenure-track positions at universities, and plenty of writers and artists who can’t sell their work to the outlets controlled by the liberal publishers and producers. (Shameless self-promotion here: I’ve got several manuscripts.)

And gosh darn do you ever want to see those manuscripts! You can get a delicious sample of her work at her homepage, particularly this place, where she advertises herself as… "The Other White People." Do I shit you? My friends, as always, I love you, and so, I shit you not. I think what she is saying here is that, like pork, THE OTHER WHITE MEAT, Eastern Europeans with stupid haircuts provide a delicious alternative to poultry.

Which may even be true. At any rate fans of open-minded discourse will be relieved to observe that, as Dr. Grabar takes pains to explain, in the membrane, "You don’t have to be white" in order to post messages at her site. Hooray! And thus the cause of Civil Discourse is advanced. Hooray!

Well, whatever. We seem to have strayed a bit from our original topic, which I believe was the attitude of Conservatives towards Coolness. Granted, they’ve looked a bit weird lately, what with the exotic Michael Steele hip-hop off-hookery, and the Pajamas Media… uh, thing with their genius sexy plan for happy fun good time success.

But, nevertheless, I’m pretty sure we can encapsulate the logic of 21st-Century Conservatism in the attached video, the one about Starfish Hitler, Dictator of Hell. It’s no more or less ridiculous than any other theory about what they’re up to. And I defy anyone to tell me different, dammit. HI-KEEBA!

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A community college professor from upstate NY. My wife & I have 347 children, all of them rotten.