ribs-warren-rick.thumbnail.jpgThe Seattle advice columnist and LGBT activist who gave us the 21st century definition for "santorum" challenged his readers again, and Dan Savage’s readers responded. We now have a definition for that odd word Pastor Rick™ named his church. Here’s how Dan Savage posed the question last week:

And speaking of Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church and author of The Purpose Driven Life

My life’s purpose over the last week was reading thousands of proposed new definitions for "saddlebacking" sent in by my readers. As with the new definition of santorum crafted by Savage Love readers ("the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes a byproduct of anal sex"), the new definition of "saddlebacking" has to be some act that (1) needs a name but doesn’t already have one (we can’t just rename "reverse cowgirl," people) and (2) is naughty enough to discomfort, say, a Reverend Warren, but something that actual people might actually do because that’s the only way the actual word will actually get used. 

After Dan narrowed down all the exciting choices, he put it out for reader vote. We now have a winner, after a little detour to allow Dan to take a swipe at the pearl-clutchers who run The Economist:

SADDLEBACKING DEFINED: The votes are in, the people have spoken, the democratic idea is renewed. But first: Anyone who picks up the January 24 issue of the Economist—I pick it up every week for the "Page 3 Boy"—will find this lead paragraph to a story about Barack Obama’s inauguration:

Any decision Barack Obama makes can cause a stir. He invited Rick Warren, a popular pastor, to say a few words at his inauguration. The aim was to stroke conservative Christians, thereby fostering a warm feeling of national unity. But some of Mr. Obama’s gay supporters were appalled. Though hardly a fire-breather by the standards of Southern Baptists, Mr. Warren holds old-fashioned views about homosexuality. Bloggers lamented Mr. Obama’s "betrayal." Dan Savage, a gay columnist, urged his readers to protest by coining a new meaning for "Saddleback"—the name of Mr. Warren’s church. Many of the suggestions were unprintable.

Many of them were unprintable? Not true, Economites. I printed all of them right here in this space. So it’s not that the suggestions themselves were unprintable, it’s that you poofs just don’t have the balls to print them. That’s very different.

And now… without further delay… the winning definition of "saddleback"… by a gaping margin… definition number 5: "Saddlebacking: the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities." After attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill saddlebacked all night because she’s saving herself for marriage.

Here’s why this definition is perfect: Saddlebacking, like barebacking, involves one person riding up on another’s backside. But in this case, it’s not the bare-naked cock-in-ass that’s the most important feature of the ride, but the fact that the person being ridden has been saddled—thanks to the efforts of the Rick Warrens of this world—with religious hang-ups and serious misconceptions about sex. Like the barebacker who casually tosses away his health—or his partner’s health—because he believes, quite erroneously, that "risky = sexy," the saddlebacker offers up her ass because she believes, quite erroneously, that she can get fucked in the ass—vigorously, religiously—and still be considered a virgin on her wedding night.

Bookmark the website. Tell your friends. Google-bomb it; it’s climbing atop the Google results list already.  Only Pastor Rick™’s actual website is ahead of  www.saddlebacking.com

Teddy Partridge

Teddy Partridge