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Late Nite FDL: Burress for Senate? Nevermind!!

What’s all this about Burress for Senate?  I don’t understand it, and I’m against it!

First of all, what has football got to do with making laws?  Oh, I know, some of you will tell me that football has a lot of laws.  I suppose it does.  I mean, there’s illegal use of the hands.  But then, we don’t need any more Mark Foley pervert or Rick Warren busybody type laws.  And catching passes doesn’t make you a senator, no sir.  Most senators I’ve ever heard of are always making passes, not receiving them.  I mean, look at them!

And then, who carries a gun into a club like that?  Plaxico Burress would have to be patted down every time he goes through one of those scanner things on Capitol Hill.  And what if he insults Jim Webb on the Senate floor?  It would be a shoot out, a bloodbath, Wild West!  That’s hardly appropriate for the United States’ Senate, I can tell you.  And Burress is up on charges and may go to jail, and Senators are not supposed to be indicted until AFTER they serve some time in office, as everybody knows!

And another thing. . .

"Um, Pach, that’s Roland Burris, not Plaxico Burress, and it’s Illinois, not New York."
 — The Editors

Oh. . . 

That’s different, then.


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Pachacutec did not, as is commonly believed, die in 1471. To escape the tragic sight of his successors screwing up the Inca Empire he’d built, he fled east into the Amazon rain forest, where he began chewing lots of funky roots to get higher than Hunter Thompson ever dared. Oddly, these roots gave him not only a killer buzz, but also prolonged his life beyond what any other mortal has known, excluding Novakula. Whatever his doubts of the utility of living long enough to see old friends pop up in museums as mummies, or witness the bizarrely compelling spectacle of Katherine Harris, he’s learned a thing or two along the way. For one thing, he’s learned the importance of not letting morons run a country, having watched the Inca Empire suffer many civil wars requiring the eventual ruler to gain support from the priests and the national military. He now works during fleeting sober moments to build a vibrant progressive movement sufficiently strong and sustainable to drive a pointed stake through the heart of American “conservatism” forever. He enjoys a gay marriage, classic jazz and roots for the New York Mets.