‘Twas the Hate Before Christmas
‘Tis the Season of Christmas, and all ‘cross the ‘nets
Wingnuts are whining of how they’re oppressed.
Tripe has been tossed out at Townhall with care,
Pretending it’s "uncool" to say you like prayer.
Chuck Norris believes that Jesus got jacked,
Or perhaps neutered — but at least somehow off-whacked.
"All-powerful atheists have just gone too far!"
Cries that illiterate Elf, jolly Mary Grabar.
I’ve long been tit-bored with this class of crap,
And had resolved to ignore it with an X-mas nightcap,
When what to my dyspeptic eyes should appear,
But K-Lo claiming it’s worse to be Christian than queer!
Obama wants Warren! He’s thus not a "divider"!
Bring in the bigots! Become a "uniter"!
More rapid than eagles, K-Lo’s canards they come —
"Those most hurt by Prop-8 are the Mormons.
They of course have the clear right to deny rights to the gay,
Their tight magic underpants make that OK."
As I drew up my hand, to upraise my mid-finger,
K-Lo let loose the the worst whine of the winger:
"If you’re opposed to gay marriage you’re labeled ‘intolerant,’
But what’s more depraved than a gent loving a gent?
The MSM lies if they say that the reason this skeeves us
Has fuck-all to do with our devotion to Jesus;
We dislike it for reasons of hygiene and children!
Who must NOT be raised by those men who like men!
I can’t quite explain why, though most devoutly I hope,
You know the real victim here is that poor man, The Pope.
Any gender bending old Benny considers a piss-up,
Which is why the Church will never ordain a gay bishop."
Fuck this, I thought, and went back to my work,
And wrote down this poem about how K-Lo’s a jerk.
Her line of bullshit can make you depressed,
But in the long run we shouldn’t be stressed:
It’s Christmas and you know it’s not we
Who want to impose upon others the meaning of family.
We don’t defend torture, or excuse bigotry,
We can just chill out, or not, in front of the tree.
And so let me say, as I drive out of sight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all, Dyn-o-Mite.