In my first diary for Oxdown I posted while frustrated. I read one too many columns that day asking, "Does Sarah Palin really want to bring up __________?" Because of my frustration I said something ridiculous, that I was going to stop being sarcastic and witty when I write. I said I was somehow going to write even more negative coverage of the joke that is the McCain campaign than I already write. That would of course be impossible. Cynicism and biting humor keep me sane while I write about politics.

If I couldn’t laugh about the terrible, ignorant things I hear coming from the Republican Party every day, then I would lapse into catatonic depression. It’s almost like John McCain, Sarah Palin and the gaggle of lobbyists aboard the Bullshit Express aren’t nice people. I know that can’t be true. The GOP would never have nominated crass, racist, corrupt, homophobic morons to be their candidates for President and Vice President, right? They wouldn’t nominate a nasty, quick tempered, sexist pig of a man who can’t keep track of his lies, right?

Oh, wait. That’s exactly what they did.

***
This Is Your Pilot, John McCain

You’re taking a business flight from Chicago to New York. The pilot of the jet comes over the loudspeaker and says, "Good afternoon, everyone. I’m your pilot, John McCain. The weather is beautiful, and we don’t expect to have any problems." You glance glance down at the newspaper you bought just before the flight. It just happens to open up to an article that says:

John McCain was training in his AD-6 Skyraider on an overcast Texas morning in 1960 when he slammed into Corpus Christi Bay and sheared the skin off his plane’s wings.

McCain recounted the accident decades later in his autobiography. "The engine quit while I was practicing landings," he wrote. But an investigation board at the Naval Aviation Safety Center found no evidence of engine failure.

You start to get a little nervous. It could be a different John McCain, so there’s no reason to get alarmed yet. Then the pilot comes back on the intercom and says, "I’ve just heard there’s an article about my history as a pilot in the newspaper today. I can assure you the article has distorted the facts. There’s nothing to worry about." You think maybe there is something to worry about, though, so you keep reading.

The article continues:

In his most serious lapse, McCain was "clowning" around in a Skyraider over southern Spain about December 1961 and flew into electrical wires, causing a blackout, according to McCain’s own account as well as those of naval officers and enlistees aboard the carrier Intrepid. In another incident, in 1965, McCain crashed a T-2 trainer jet in Virginia.

Just as you read that part you feel an unmistakable rocking sensation. It feels as though the wings are see-sawing ever so slightly. First the right wing goes up, and then the left wing goes up. It’s very disquieting. Alarm begins to be replaced by fear. You read on, unable to stop. It’s a lot like a person opening a door in a scary movie. They know there’s a maniac loose with a knife, but they just have to open the door.

The article continues:

After McCain was sent to Vietnam, his plane was destroyed in an explosion on the deck of an aircraft carrier in 1967. Three months later, he was shot down during a bombing mission over Hanoi and taken prisoner. He was not faulted in either of those cases and was later lauded for his heroism as a prisoner of war.

Your anxiety reaches a crescendo. You leap from your seat and start yelling, "John McCain is going to kill us all! We’re as good as dead. He crashes! Don’t you see? Don’t you get it? He crashes and burns! It’s what he does…" An Air Marshall comes up from behind you and injects you with a heavy sedative, and you lose consciousness.

When you wake up you realize you had been having a nightmare. It seemed so vivid, so real. You shake off the grogginess and stumble into the kitchen for coffee. Your spouse already made some, and you think cheerfully how lucky you are. Then you see the newspaper on the table. It says, "John McCain Running For President."

You scream and try to run, but you can’t. You’re still in the nightmare, and it’s worse than being in a plane. In this nightmare he’s going to crash the entire United States.

***
Al Qaeda In October

I’ve been wondering when Al Qaeda will commit some terrorist atrocity in the interest of influencing our election. They love it when the United States is unpopular. They would love it if John McCain were elected. If there is anything they have learned it’s that American war hawks help Al Qaeda recruiting. Who would be better to help Al Qaeda recruiting goals than John "Bomb Iran" McCain? Let me think… nobody.

Richard Clarke put words to this concern I have only spoken about in person. He didn’t mention recruiting, but only a general political idea that a popular American president would restore damaged alliances and galvanize European sentiments against Al Qaeda. There have been two Al Qaeda attacks recently. Richard Clarke wrote:

Those who see the two attacks as the opening round of a pre-election campaign note that they were the first two major al Qaeda-related attacks on American facilities in a very long time, the first serious al Qaeda attack on an American embassy in a decade. Others believe that the timing of the two attacks was coincidence and that they were both dictated by internal dynamics in the countries where the attacks took place and not by the U.S. election campaign. Nonetheless, U.S. intelligence and security officials are worried. They admit that there is nothing concrete that suggests another attack, but they fear that al Qaeda may try something, maybe even in the United States. The last National Intelligence Estimate on al Qaeda concluded that the group had reconstituted, was stronger than it had been in many years, was capable of staging attacks again, including probably in the United States. General Hayden has talked publicly about "European looking" al Qaeda terrorists who have been trained recently in Pakistan and sent back out into the world, presumably to stage attacks.

He also mentioned the polls in the United States that indicate voters would likely support having a President John McCain over a President Barack Obama in the event of renewed terrorist activity against our nation. The strategists and thinkers who belong to Al Qaeda undoubtedly know that. Clarke warned that we should expect something from Al Qaeda, even if it is only a tape from Bin Laden. Unfortunately much of the American public probably won’t see the reverse psychology involved with an attack or message from Al Qaeda, and would instead craft their political reaction based on the face value of an Al Qaeda action.

Personally, if Osama Bin Laden endorsed Barack Obama I would immediately understand that’s the man he would least like to see as leader of the free world. Bin Laden knows that most Americans harbor animosity and hatred for him. He would have to know that. If he endorsed Barack Obama and the public took it at face value, then they would think he really does want Obama to be president. He would have anticipated such a weak minded reaction and exploited it to further his own ends.

It seems simple to me. If John Kerry is right, and a Bin Laden tape did contribute to his loss in 2004, then that makes me sad for the intelligence of my fellow Americans. I’d like to think our people are less easily manipulated. If that really was the case, then there isn’t much about the people’s wit to celebrate about.

***
Vast Bipartisan Conspiracy

Dr. Helen via Yglz:

Why the crescendo of economic collapse right before the election? Why didn’t the media and congress act just as concerned some time ago or wait until sometime after the election to go into crisis mode? The timing of the current financial crisis seems too planned and calculating to be just a coincidence. Polls show that people’s number one concern right now is the economy and that for the most part, voters believe Democrats are somewhat more likely to help with the economy. Could it be that the liberal media and those in Congress, knowing that, is blaring the bad economic news from the rooftops in order to manipulate voters into voting for a Democrat? If so, it won’t be the first time.

I thought I was paranoid. I just read this over at Yglz. Matthew forgot to mention that not only is the entire Bush Administration in on this liberal plot to boost Democratic support, but every stock market in the world as well. In fact, the only person in the entire world who wasn’t let in on this secret was Dr. Helen. Even as she sat down to write the above words we were all giggling in the background, though we jumped out of sight every time she tried to catch a glimpse of us. This plot took millions of people and organizational skills that would make the pyramid building Pharoahs jealous. Just to make it seem real we had some of the largest banking collapses in history, and laid off thousands and thousands of people. The only part I can’t believe, or understand, is how Dr. Helen figured it out. The economic crisis was all just an elaborate snow job conceived by peace loving, reefer smoking, open relationship supporting, homosexual friendly hippie mushroom eaters with ties to former terrorists. But curses, we couldn’t fool Dr. Helen.

***

This diary was posted for entertainment purposes only. Consult your doctor before reading this diary to be sure there is no contraindication with anything else you read. Members of the Republican Party should not read this diary, as it may cause glimpses of reality, conflicting emotions, anger, headaches and a general malaise on November 4, 2008.

And a very good night to Oxdown and FDL.
[I hope it was entertaining. {{That’s all I ever hope.}} I can’t hang around for comments.]

lesserdevil

lesserdevil

I'm a writer. I grew up knowing some of the largest drug dealers in United States history.

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