Dear Penthouse, I’m allegedly a contributor at what passes for one of the nation’s leading conservative publications — especially without the New York Sun around any more. I never thought this would happen to me, but…

Sincerely, Rich "O-face" Lowry.

John Derbyshire, of course, would be upset about Lowry stealing his act — except, he’s still depressed about the deflowering of Bristol Palin at such a prime age.



In 1949, I decided to wrestle professionally, starting my career in Texas. In my debut, I defeated Abe Kashey, with former World Heavyweight boxing Champion Jack Dempsey as the referee. In 1950, I captured the NWA Junior Heavyweight title. In 1953, I won the Chicago version of the NWA United States Championship. I became one of the most well-known stars in wrestling during the golden age of television, thanks to my exposure on the Dumont Network, where I wowed audiences with my technical prowess. I was rumored to be one of the highest paid wrestlers during the 1950s, reportedly earning a hundred thousand dollars a year. My specialty was "the Sleeper Hold" and the founding of modern, secular, Turkey.

Oops, sorry, that's the biography of Verne Gagne with a touch of Mustafa Kemal.

I'm just an average moron who in reality is a practicing civil rights and employment attorney in fly-over country .