BREAKING: 2008 Election Declared “Big Stupidy-Dumb” If McCain Not Awarded Presidency, Hugh Hewitt Refused Binkie
Image courtesy of Jeffraham Prestonian, used with thanx!
IRVINE, CA. Speaking from a hastily constructed pillow fort in the rumpus room, noted conservative talk radio host, writer, constitutional law professor, soldier, superhero, astronaut, cowboy, and spy Hugh Hewitt has announced his determination to throw a furious tantrum unless Republican candidate John McCain is awarded the presidency over his rival, Democrat Barack Obama. "BAD MAN! Bad Obama!" declared Hewitt, his entire body quivering with heart-rending sobs. "Obama BAD! BAD OBAMA! BAD!"
After ten minutes of gentle crooning, an FDL reporter was able to persuade Mr. Hewitt "to use his words."
"Obama has never run anything or faced any significant political crisis in his life requiring the expert exercise of wisdom and judgment, much less this perfect storm of crises," said Mr. Hewitt, sniffling piteously and rubbing his eyes with his knuckles. "Clearly, we cannot entrust the future of our great nation to a well-known Great Big Poopyhead such as the junior senator from Illinois."
"Obama’s rise has been because of machine politics and hard-left coalitions, and his past is checkered with the most radical and the most corrupt sort of characters imaginable," continued Mr. Hewitt, stressing that Mr. Obama has a "thorough-going contempt of ordinary Americans." Mr. Hewitt then deplored "liberals" for their use of absurd, over-the-top rhetoric when describing the current president, George W. Bush: "The hard left’s seven year rage against George Bush has disfigured the politics of the country." The FDL reporter on the scene was so impressed by these comments that he was momentarily deprived of the ability to create a snarky reply and instead quoted directly.
But upon being presented with a Kleenex, a juice box, and a cookie, Mr. Hewitt elaborated upon his condemnation of Mr. Obama. "The world’s financial system is teetering, and the estrangement between the American people and their government has never been this deep in modern times," he solemnly declared. "And this is all the Democrats’ fault, as they are fartybrains. Would that the Legacy Media would report on this, but they are biased, and fartybrains as well, as is generally acknowledged."
"Moreover," he continued, "Mr. Obama and his hard-core socialist allies are solely responsible for the incident involving rubbing Play-Doh into the cat, despite their unconvincing protestations to the contrary." Mr. Hewitt bashfully declined to answer a reporter’s repeated queries about the "Blue’s Clues" Band-Aid covering up the scratch marks on his cheek.
Upon being asked if he would have preferred that Mrs. Clinton had prevailed in the Democratic primary, Mr. Hewitt shrieked hysterically and concealed himself once more in the pillow fort, refusing to emerge until the reporter promised never to talk about "the scary lady" ever again. The reporter was also requested not to refer to vampires, snakes, zombies, or anything connected with the state of Michigan.
A different response was elicited when Mr. Hewitt was asked his opinion of Mr. McCain’s running mate, Governor Sarah Palin, as Mr. Hewitt grinned, remained silent, and gently but insistently touched the teddy-bear area of his footie pajamas.
The reporter hastened on to a new topic, inquiring as to Mr. Obama’s foreign policy qualifications. "A confrontation with Iran looms and instability in Pakistan grows. The Islamist threat has been beaten back in Iraq, but continues to nurse its fanatical hatreds in many other places, from Waziristan to London. Also they are going to attack the Empire State Building, where I, Captain Hughie, am going to fight them off with my Super Big Jesus Gun!!" claimed Mr. Hewitt, making several "kapow" and "bang" noises and making a "cape" from a pillowcase. "I’m a super-hero like McCain-Man, my BFF FOREVER!"
"Let’s see that Commie Obama do THAT! Whee!" Mr. Hewitt exclaimed, upon which he fell nose-first onto the carpet and recommenced weeping, at which point his caregivers informed the reporter that the radio host was "over-stimulated" and in dire need of a "time out," one that for his own health would preferably last at least through November.