Anonymous emails are the new cab drivers
I think someone should just take this city and just
… just flush it down the fuckin’ toilet. Heh. Indeed.
Back in the old days, say about ought-seven, conservative pundits used to have to turn to anonymous and, by implication, foreign cab drivers in distant cities to find man-on-the-street validation for their many interesting theories. Most of these theories were byproducts of wingnut welfare think tanks combined with lessons learned from the television show 24 and fond memories of youthful games of Risk and, therefore, not considered appropriate for polite company. Surprisingly these cab drivers, many of whom depend on tips to survive, were quite agreeable to any theory no matter how batshit crazy. The bandit barrier between the front and back seat also helped. Similarly nine out ten hookers employed by these same pundits were in agreement that, yes, that is the biggest penis that they have ever seen. Oh baby. So big.
But with gas prices increasing, pundits are traveling less these days and so validation now comes in the form of anonymous emails from some person normally identified as "a reader writes". Used properly these emails can substitute for posts that require editing or research or a passing familiarity with reality. In many cases these "emails" seem to be products of the pundits true feelings (which tend to be borderline sociopathic) or trial balloons attributed to someone once removed for purely prophylactic purposes (see Kathryn Jean Lopez, Jonah Goldberg, and Rich Lowry). That way the pundit can let their freak flag fly and still hang onto their phony baloney jobs at NRO without fear of dismissal and the shame of having to go to work at Arby’s or, even worse, Commentary.
Of course, like herpes, this email trend was bound to spread to bloggers:
A READER AT A MAJOR NEWSROOM EMAILS: "Off the record, every suspicion you have about MSM being in the tank for O is true. We have a team of 4 people going thru dumpsters in Alaska and 4 in arizona. Not a single one looking into Acorn, Ayers or Freddiemae. Editor refuses to publish anything that would jeopardize election for O, and betting you dollars to donuts same is true at NYT, others. People cheer when CNN or NBC run another Palin-mocking but raising any reasonable inquiry into obama is derided or flat out ignored. The fix is in, and its working." I asked permission to reprint without attribution and it was granted.
As well it should! Because I’m sure my Islamomediafacists brethren and sistren would be sure to track down email@example.com and give him a sound thrashing about the face and neck.
Unsurprisingly I also get emails like this. However, since I am unable to confirm their authenticity, I tend to shy away from them. As a somewhat popular demonic conservative ridicule-machine, I have responsibility to maintain if not my credibility, at least the appearance of it. So, for example, when I get an email from a reader in Alaska who writes:
I bet people would be surprised to hear that a certain Governor (who may or may not be named Sarah) and her husband are into sexual role-playing. Although I don’t think The Mountie and The Polar Bear qualifies as "actual" bestiality, it’s still kind of creepy.
I consider it the height of irresponsibly to post it on teh internets, so I delete it. The same goes for this email from
Cindimcbeerheiress@aol.com anonymous in arizona:
My husband beats me! Jesus, what is wrong with you people? Don’t you see the casts and the crutches? Do I look that fucking clumsy? Why won’t anyone help me? I’ve been blinking S-O-S at every campaign stop and people just think I cranked on meth again. I would gladly trade three of my houses for one safe house. Please reply.
Although it sounds plausible…I’m just not sure. Better safe than sorry, I always say. Delete.
Of course I also get emails from people whose identities I can both confirm and publish but they don’t meet my standards or worse, they’re just appalling. For example every week I get an unsolicited email from Human Events purportedly from Ann Coulter. I know it’s actually from Coulter because she always attaches a picture of her penis.
It’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen.