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Evel McFeeble

Slate put up a list of John McCain’s pending "Hail Mary Stunts". Yes, some of them are quite possible, if staid by his new standards, after all what can really top his Vice Presidential Nominee, a spokesmodel who is not even allowed to speak? Well, at least I thought that until he decided yesterday that "Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again."

Here are a few guaranteed stunts that I foresee over the next few weeks.

1. Daniel Plainview as as Secretary of Energy in waiting. He’ll drill baby drill, and if you don’t like it, well if you can’t stand the heat stay out of the bowling alley.

2. Declare Werther’s Originals the National Candy.

3. Skip another debate, instead jump the shark-filled waters of the Snake River Canyon.

Take this post as your opportunity to add other desperate gimmicks likely to come to pass.

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In 1949, I decided to wrestle professionally, starting my career in Texas. In my debut, I defeated Abe Kashey, with former World Heavyweight boxing Champion Jack Dempsey as the referee. In 1950, I captured the NWA Junior Heavyweight title. In 1953, I won the Chicago version of the NWA United States Championship. I became one of the most well-known stars in wrestling during the golden age of television, thanks to my exposure on the Dumont Network, where I wowed audiences with my technical prowess. I was rumored to be one of the highest paid wrestlers during the 1950s, reportedly earning a hundred thousand dollars a year. My specialty was "the Sleeper Hold" and the founding of modern, secular, Turkey.

Oops, sorry, that's the biography of Verne Gagne with a touch of Mustafa Kemal.

I'm just an average moron who in reality is a practicing civil rights and employment attorney in fly-over country .