Happy birthday to Fox Anchor and sexual explorer Bill O’Reilly who turned 59 today!

Back when Bill was a younger man he would stay out all night on his birthday drinking and carousing and hitting on chicks. Nowadays the only way he can achieve "lift-off" is by  sending one of his be-Dockered flunkies out to stalk women in his place and then watching  from afar while pleasuring himself with a loofah:

As an added bonus O’Reilly points out that the difference between Bristol Palin and Jamie Lynn Spears is that there is "no evidence that the governors children are unsupervised" which seems to infer imply that Sarah and Todd Palin were either aware that Bristol and Levi were doing the "two-backed moose" or they watched, which is pretty kinky even by Wasilla standards.

Additionally O’Reilly gets to say "cocks" a lot and it didn’t cost him $2.99 per minute making this the best birthday ever



Yeah. Like I would tell you....